I'm more than alright
Good and going
Remembered your touch just once
Maybe a few times
Maybe more than often
Or maybe in every heartbeat.
So much it hurt painfully
But when you've lost purpose
Everything becomes bearable.

Still stare at the mirror
Imaging your dear reflection behind my own
Walk right on in and I'm smiling
Sudden pulsating turnaround
And it's not you there - just empty space.
But when no reflection seems beautiful enough
Everything becomes bearable.

So I continue staring into empty space
At the plain coffee table, all alone
Gorgeous eyes materialise before mine
And a reassuring smile
Whispers 'Told you I'd be back.'
Instinctive fingertips reaching out
Caress the cheek like I once used to
But thin air is all it is
Daydream is all it is
Fooling visions and wishes
Illusionary, yet so pretty
You're there but you're really not.
But when any exisiting thing
Feels fake at the touch
Everything becomes bearable.

Still wonder about you in the afterlife
How your ghost keeps coming back
Perhaps you're in a better place now
Perhaps you're not even real anymore.
But when every coming day
Passes by like a movie
Everything becomes bearable.

Crying to sleep each night
Clutching tight old t-shirts and frames
What went has gone for good
But the past doesn't go away.
Memories and nostalgia
Nauseating yet addicting
Adrenaline running high
Then floods back down with regrets
But when you've begun counting breaths
Everything becomes bearable.

They think I've gone crazy
Smiling at what doesn't seem funny
Addicted to what isn't very pleasant
Talking to who doesn't really exist
And it doesn't **** you
It takes you.
But when opinions stop counting
No tear comes a surprise.
When pain isn't a word in your dictionary
Everything becomes bearable.

Wasting away at tearfuls
Vapourising at the flick of each bottle
It isn't pain that has displaced my roots
It's just you.
But when sweet and bitter taste the same
Everything becomes bearable.
When you'd rather pause than see another day
Everything becomes bearable.

Eyes shut, still
Sleeping silent, inhale exhale
A poisoned blade lingers to the touch
Goes deeper
And deeper
And deeper still
Till Pain's unbearable
Till Pain comes up to me
Swirls in my head
Wells my eyes up red
Playfully runs down my veins
And smirks at my face
As if to say
It's only just a matter of time
Two more seconds and I'll go away
Hush, another second and I'll leave you
One second more, I swear
Just one second more
But Pain never leaves me alone.
It rather continues
Licks down my cheekbones
Continues pressing kisses
Down my jawline asleep only seconds ago
No - that was centuries.
Go away - I plead
You deserve this - it sneers
But my body is the only thing left to call my own.
I continue staring Pain in the eye
Take my soul and leave my body - I tell it
So it smirks wider
Runs the blade down deeper
Seals my lips, won't let me scream
Not a cry, not even a whimper
But pierces down the **** deeper still.
Deep enough to let each drop
Embrace my tender flesh
Every poisoned particle
Fuses into my dying bloodstream.
Pain descends into my body
Absorbs into my nerves
Flickers my eyes down shut
Numbs the depths of my brain.
It finally decides
I've tortured you enough - Pain says
So it casually stoops down
To the last place remaining - my beating heart
Say goodnight forever, honey
Sleep well - it whispers to me
And with one
Just one chilling press
Brings my beating heart
To a standstill.
Pain has robbed me of everything
Soul and body
My heartbeats too.

Prickling sensation
Sinking down at a corner
Head lowered into palms
Hair hiding tear stains
But I can't look up anymore
No, I can't face what I'll see.

And I'm never at peace
Even if it seems so
Lying between ripped sheets and pillows
Fragile back turned at you
Keep calling my name out
I'm never gonna turn around.
My ears listen, mind doesn't
I'm alive but dead at the same time
Keep yelling out I'm worthless
But I can't look back at you anymore
No, I can't face what I'll see.

Your sweet abuses, kicks, lashes and whips
Leave new reminders on my skin each morning
All they end up doing is make me beautiful.
Them tight slaps across my shameful cheek
I'll fall on both knees, but I'll be smiling.
Cause it doesn't hurt the least bit
No, it doesn't pain anymore
Hit me over and over, I'll lose count someday
This body went numb ages ago
Heart forgot how to beat ages ago.
Don't expect me to get up once I've fallen
Trying to shield my eyes from the ruins I'm in
I can't stand up and look around me
No, I can't face what I'll see.

I'm in love with taste of iron
Deep in love with metal on skin
Blades make the best of friends
They're the only ones who understand.
But while they're at work
Inscribing lovely illustrations on my skin
Sight of blood sends shivers down my back
It reminds me I'm still alive.
So I clench my eyes shut, tight
And suffer in silence under the night sky.
Too scared to look down at those messages
The night and blade have left me
No, I can't face what I'll see.

I'm running away, hurting
Keep sprinting into the dark
But I'm slamming into dead ends
These tunnels lead nowhere but to hell and you
I'm stranded in your wicked maze till my last breath.
The ceiling seems the only familiar sight
So used to staring at it for hours now
All mirrors lie to me
You'll wince, best look away
I'd rather be a coward, head bent low
Congratulating myself having survived another day
Can't look up to see the mess I've become
No, I can't face what I'll see.
I can't.