three thousand eight hundred and seventeen
to be exact.
i wish we could find a way to make things work.
but i understand.
it just hurts
like hell
that i can’t tell you how much i want to kiss you without making us both feel bad.
maybe one day
those four thousand miles won’t matter
(a girl can dream right?)
but for now,
i guess it does.

What I feel, all the time,
For you
Scares me like nothing else does.
I’ve only felt this ache for one other
Girl and that didn’t end
The way I wanted to. You’re so like her
And I can’t bear to think of us ending the way we did.
I’m scared that I going to fall for you and keep falling until I
Crumple on the pavement
Completely broken and alone.

I want to see you. I want to run at you in the arrivals hall and for you to pick me up and spin me around because i’m finally there. I want to feel your arms around me keeping me safe. I want to run my fingers through your hair. I want to hold your hand and lay side by side just talking. I want to feel your heartbeat as I lay my head on your chest. I want to walk hand in hand through a park in the springtime sun. I want to watch your favourite film with you even though I know you’ll talk all the way through. I want you to kiss me, oh god I want to kiss you. I want to feel what it’s like when you touch me, hold my waist, pull me closer and grip my hips. I want to be close to you and feel your skin against mine. I want to jump into your arms and wrap my legs around you and be carried to your bed. I want to sit on your lap and straddle your hips and kiss you like my life depends on it because it does. I just want to be yours. I want to spend all night and day just exploring each other in every way. I want to see your perfect smile and hear your voice and your laugh. I want you to look at me the way you look at her (the smile in your eyes when she comes on screen is the most beautiful thing i’ve ever seen). I want to fall asleep tangled together and wake up in your arms. I want to wear your shirts and dance to your favourite songs. I want to hug you and keep you safe and help you get better. I want to make you feel the way you make me feel.


I just want to be able to love you properly, like you deserve. But right now I’ll have to settle for being your friend. Because I can’t lose you. I don’t want to want you like this, but I do. I know if you were here I wouldn’t be able to control myself, I don’t think you could either if I’m honest. I want to be able to love you like I do without feeling guilty because I know I’m making this harder. I don’t want to think about you like this, all the time, but I do. I’m trying I really am, it’s not working right now but maybe soon I won’t look at you and want to do things that friends really don’t do.
I want you in my life, even if I can’t love you like I really want to.

I’ve ****** up my sleep schedule since talking to you,
Drifting off in the early hours after
Talking all day.
Today I’m shaking just thinking about you,
You’re still asleep, thousands of miles away.
Yesterday we talked for hours and hours
About everything and anything
We could think of,
And how much we hate how far away we are.
My heart started beating faster when my phone
Lit up with your name, I still feel a knot in my stomach even though you’re asleep and I’m awake.
The first time was accidental
But the next time wasn’t.
Shamelessly flirting with a friend.
(I surprise myself sometimes)
And now I can’t stop thinking about you
Holding me close, holding my hand,
(Kissing) hugging me.
****
I’m falling hard,
Even though you’re so far away and
I’m meant to like someone else.
You messaged me first months (weeks? Feels like I’ve known you forever)
Ago and we became friends,
Over a tv show about an assassin that we’re both obsessed with.
I can’t imagine my life without you
Talking obsessively about that actress you like
And making me laugh
And not knowing British words
(which are really hard to explain just fyi).
Even though you were out with your friends,
You talked me through why I couldn’t sleep for hours,
Not many people would do that.
This is a mess, I’m a mess, you and your cute
Smile and your (perfect) stupid blue hair.
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Your body is a temple, a vessel to worship,
Pray and make offerings to.
But temples soon become ruins
When people neglect them
And move on.

My body isn’t a temple,
I don’t like that metaphor,
but if it was it would be a ruin
With scars and broken bones and stretch marks and blemishes.
I tend to neglect her, I don’t worship her often enough.
My body isn’t quite like a haunted house, but she does echo with
the touches of past loves and current interests.
She isn’t cursed, even though I have cursed at her for growing too much
or not enough.
She is a friend, most of the time.