Why do you always fall for the ones who will never notice you?
Why do you cry over the ones who never wanted you?
Your mother formed your heart over nine months and you let them break it in 15 seconds.
Hiding all the pain away, pretending everything is ok. Your emotions are unstabble but no one can tell you because you hide it so well. You're there for everyone else so nothing seems wrong.  you fake a smile, it has been there for so long. you fall hard or you don't fall at all.You act like you're tall even when you're so small. Your ego is up so high even when you're ready to cry. You act so confident even when noticing all your insecurities. You build yourself up just to let yourself fall again.  you build your walls so high keeping out the hurt, but also keeping out the love you really want. You can't decide what to do , let your walls fall to get the love you want and deserve or keep your walls up to keep from getting burnt. You're caught somewhere inbetween thinking about everything.

My father made me feel
like I was never good enough.
My grades were never high enough,
my weight never low enough,
and I was never pretty enough.
It's a hard lesson to live with
when it berates you every time you
come home.

My first boyfriend emotionally abused me.
Toyed with me and used me
to try and get what he wanted.
Sexually harassed me in the middle of class
and I was told by my friends he'd hit me one day.
When I refused to give in to his pathetic whims,
he resigned to talking to his ex girlfriend
because I wasn't good enough.

The next three guys I was with was really only one,
who came back each time after breaking me
with a new excuse, a new reason to reel me in.
Break up with me, date someone else,
ask for me back and then flirt with someone else.
I still was't good enough no matter what I did.

I moved on finally and met the next guy.
A presumed sweetheart who had issues, like me.
But his daddy issues and inability to show emotion,
slowly suffocated me.
His own insecurities attacked mine
and instead of trying to make me feel good about myself,
he insisted on asking me why
I wasn't as good as the other girls he'd been with.

And now I've met you.
You came into my life when I least expected it
and have exceeded all of my highest expectations
because you treat me how I deserve
and never let me forget my worth.
So, I'm sorry I get insecure,
and ask you to not bring things up.
I understand that I am unreasonable sometimes
and I know there's no cure for the mess that I am.
But after all is said and done,
theres nothing I'm more grateful for
than you saying you understand.

I kind of feel sad today.
Doctor says I have depression, and well...I believe him.
My dad thinks its just for attention
attention, uh?
I always feel ******.
It's an everyday part of my life now.
See, today someone stole my laptop charger at school,
and my project got stolen, too.
I've never cut in my life.
I've never done drugs.
I've drank a few times, but who hasn't?
I think I'm suicidal.
But I can't wrap my head around death.
It scares me.
So instead of dying,
I tear myself to pieces wishing for it to come,
but never speeding up the process
I feel ******.
I said that before.
Like, I follow a Shepard.
I'm a little lamb
but my blood seeps through my white wool.
Until eventually,
this little lamb is killed.
****
I'm sorry.
I ramble
I never make sense.
And they wonder why I am suicidal.
Last night,
there was a party.
Instead of going,
I bounced a tennis ball back and forth against my wall.
fun, right?
I hate the world,
but I'm scared to leave it.
Doctors don't help,
mothers don't help
Friends don't help
being single sure as hell doesn't help
I just feel ******.

I was a 4 year old kid who visited his father in hospital every day for months. The worst part about that was prentending everything will be normal. That me telling my dad "it'll be ok" will make it come true.But it doesn't.People would walk around and tell me that ok is relative. Some are just more ok than others but in that moment I felt anything but okay. Because to this day, I still say "no kid should watch his father strapped up to machines trying to breathe the words that say don't worry too much". Between each broken breath I can remember him asking about whether I'd behave at home, like a few bruises and cuts on my face would change how anything was going to play out. Some days I wish I could reverse death. Some days I wish I could reverse time. This is one of those days. Because 17 years ago I lost a man who was supposed to show me what it was like to be a man. How to stand like a man. How to walk like a man. How to talk like a man. So you know what really keeps me going? Being childish. It's easier. Easier to pretend. Easier to believe in imaginary things like an imaginary dad giving me advices. Most kids grew up with an imaginary friend or a unicorn, I grew up with an imaginary dad.