Fear of the dark, a somewhat childlike fear, lead me to an electric shock, which lead me to break my vow of silence, which lead me learn what happiness really is.

Being happy is not fake sunshine advert sitcom glory
It is
Being able to take the gory and daunting turn of events that is
Making a mistake.

Talking it through
Or shouting it through, hissing it through
But
Above all
Letting it pass through -

Listening to another when emotions are heightened,
Using the strength and courage I’ve been cultivating to make that step (or leap)
To recognition of a lesson peeking out from the rubble of a mistake.

Mine were, in no particular order

Preparation, communication, setting and community

Did I really prepare my local community for what I was embarking on?
No, I did not explain what I was doing thoroughly.
Was the setting of meeting new family and old people in a house where 4 languages are spoken daily to get all communication clear, really the best place to take a vow of silence?
No.
Was I myself ready? Stable enough in who I am
to withstand the pressures of others all around me?
Or to maintain silence in the face of a panic attack?  
I didn’t know until I tried.
And the answer was no.

And *that is happiness.
Being able to take the gory and daunting turn of events that is
Making a mistake
Into
Relinquishing myself from self hate
Recognizing old patterns of destruction
Ushering in new ones of growth and peace
Embracing the fact that i can feel myself laughing
at the ludicrousness of it all           despite parts of me wanting to remain angry

Having compassion for those around me
Including myself -

A Being,
Happy.