I don't remember what my father looks like anymore. Not off the top of my head. I can only picture parts of him, like his hands and his freckles, and the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled.

I am so undoubtedly his child, and I am terrified everyday. Sometimes when me and my mom fight she calls me Gary. She doesn't mean to, but we're overwhelmingly similar and it's hard for her. She's raised a child that has a mind so very opposite of her own.

My dad had something in him that would not settle. His brain always looked for darkness. My mother doesn't understand sadness. She cannot see why I look at things like he did.

I've tried to explain it, that I have part of me wanting so badly to be happy, but there's also a darkness in my brain that I cannot shake. I've tried pills, but I can't be on those forever, so now I'm on my own.

It's hard to believe that my father has been dead for 10 years now. That's half of my life. From now on I will have spent more time without him. It still aches like it was months ago and not a ******* decade.