Words that weigh
cause migraines
and I can't remember the words you said to me
the ones that haunt me like
a killer with a knife
I remember the feelings though
the pain that sliced my young heart
I became really good at letting it go
just brushing it off my shoulder
shoving it down deep in my soul
but now as I keep saying what I feel
the suppressed feelings are coming to surface

Emptying the closet of insults
only reveals the darkest ones at the bottom
and your name is marked on all of them
and I can't help but get teary remembering them
holding myself as I close the door
a little girl shouldn't have to hear that
shouldn't have to worry about her hair
the way she dressed
the way she talked
the way she stuttered
why didn't you love me?
why did you pick on me?
you showed love and affection to everyone else
people refused to think we were related
because of how socially inept i was
couldn't you see that i was lost?
looking for you to grab onto me and hold me
to tell me how beautiful i looked
just being me?
but instead
you pulled my hair
and ripped my clothes
threw out my favorite overalls

Sometimes you would rub my back
and call me sweet sarah
you would make me feel loved
and how loved i felt
i wanted those moments to last forever
and in my mind they do
when i'm sad
it's those times i remember
but it doesn't wash out the darker ones

and how i thought
once dad got involved they would stop
but he only encouraged your malicious thinking
the slightest mistake
was my biggest regret
carless, heartless, *****, rude, disrespectful
those words mean nothing now
they are cliches that you say
but ring no meaning

at least
they used to

now everything is like a fresh new slice
opening myself up again
revealing my healed wounds
i thought i could do this
i thought i could show you what hurts more
what hurts more than seeing fat on my bones
or horrible makeup on my face
the words of children never mattered
it was the words of my mother

my mother who preferred my sister
my mother who thinks im useless
a good-for-nothing waste of space
unless i provide a service
i might as well leave
and i want to leave
don't think i'm here by choice

threaten me mother
say you'll hit me
tell me again how you will take everything away
show me your anger
because you are obviously untouchable
you can clearly control me
but one day you won't
and i won't care
but i really hope
that you do