you asked me once if I was angry
“bottled up emotions” benevolent. sorry
I started to answer but I stopped. “manipulation”
definitely. disconnect
over three months now and it’s time for the reading of the wills
to me you left your equity and to you
I left my pride (I couldn’t tell you the last time I used it
anyway) every time I see your face I still stop for a second
to me you left your sorrow and to you
I left the back seats of the car
“they were mine to begin with” okay.
every time I see your face I still count back from ten
you had wisdom on your lips and love in your eyes
you always had to come out ahead of me and you always deserved it
“guilt trip” maybe. maybe not
since that night my face is burned necrotic with nostalgia
(I wasn’t ready to destroy myself like that
back then you shone the street lights on my bruises and I felt at home)
something about you made me feel so helpless
something about you made me feel so safe
(now it’s just me on this rotting riverbank)
my guts were spilled out on the dance floor your arms
were bare bones on the walls and that was the last time you ever needed me
(now these pins and needles are the only home I’ve got)
every time I see your face I still pray for a second
“*******” obviously.
you painted your fingernails black while you talked about feeding the poor
I watched you from behind black eyelashes nodding and we both
fell asleep tasting metal in our mouths
since then I’ve watched my face turn white in the mirror waiting
for the blood to pool back into my cheeks
“you’re a ******* coward” I know.
since that night I’ve been waiting for you to strip this skin from my bones
teach me how to feel the sky against my hooded eyes
I wanted you in my hands as if
holding you there would give me some kind of future
I wanted you in my veins as if
bleeding myself dry would make me something like you
you asked me once if I was afraid. of dying? “of living.”
I started to answer but I stopped.
“you’re a ******* coward” so are you.