heart broken into too many parts
  to collect them all
soul torn into too many holes
  to resurrect it at all

too many pieces of me dissolved in pain's poison
  to identify what remains as clinton
my blue eyes have the blues
  & they are blinded by the bruise
    (brought on by the brews)

at first the depression was only agony. shattered heart. shredded soul. broken being. murdered miracle. ruptured future. burning tears & knotted stomach & raking aching sobs. then my mind ceased being able to be a brain which thinks on any level even remotely resembling its prior ability (broken, synapses stutter). then i lost connection to physical coordination, no balance. no equilibrium. the shaking manic of a panic attack.

now it is an actual physical pain. random body stabs (images of laying on the slab). a  chest constantly pressed upon by an enormous weight as my heart pounds a deep thumping bass pulse in every vein and my misery brain whenever i think of Her, which is a million minutes a day.

i am not the Noe You knew
  not endearing
    not enduring

just a fake facsimile
  shallow shadow of me
unlit by Yur spark
  just a shadow in the dark
                 invisible me

we were hiking on the moon
  making Love among the stars
    in our own orbit of the sun
**** You stopped liking our tune
  un-Loved the US that was ours
    cared not that You are The One
      left me undone as no-one
         (not the Noe You knew)

You can't show & share Yur universe
  let You me my chorus & every verse
then dump me back into merely clinton
  and expect me to ever be Happy again

You can't lead me along the path i never even dreamed of
  and leave me lost in my mind without Yur Love
yet expect me to want to walk barren places
  or ever find any peace for my broken pieces

the butterflies will never die
  (or become bitterflies)
**** She no longer cares
  that they flutter
so now they also cry

i hate every day
  they're all horrible
each moment
  just more torment
it will always be this way
  & never is a long forever

however many years pass
  past the end of US
since Shannon broke clinton
  there was no more noe forevermore

even if the agony
  recedes minimally
there will be no noe tomorrow
  where there's no noe sorrow

the wounds wound farther & further down into the ragged jagged screaming screeching hole (heart + soul = hole) they found fully formed early February of Fourteen. my only craving is Her, but they keep carving deeper, widening the devastation which bleeds depression, wondering how long until the withdrawal into fetal becomes fatal

Happy is merely a memory
  i try to replay every day.
what if the farther from it i get,
  what if i forget?

what if the only hope you have is hope
  and you're believing in it with your entire being
**** you can't lift the loss's weight
  so you can't breathe while you wait

regardless of all this
we can *** home to US
all it takes is You wanting to

and i'll always be here
  hoping & hurting
    wishing & wanting & waiting