In addition to the messed up 'abandonment' issues,
Over the past several days,
My body has been expressing all this pain,
And I try to suppress it,
To dissociate and push it away…
As though it is not really me…
But it is not working anymore.

Much like the ‘pushing away’ of the memories
The past as I did for so many years,
It is here, demanding to be felt!
But I don’t want to feel it
I don’t want to remember any of it.

But my body and I
We are now in this tug of war,
Suddenly my body has become "Mission Impossible”
Spilling over with pain and aches
Then memories connect to the pain
Suddenly I am in the middle of a full-fledged flashback hell.
I can do everything in my “pink little self-soothing box”
But none of it will work.
And I hear you saying,
You need to be kind to your body,
Find a way to live in your body...
But right now that is not possible…
Because my body represents something bad and *****
I cannot be connected to that right now.
My body belonged to him,
I still associate it with him
We are not one.

And at night, when this happens,
I am freaked out
You are not there to help me through it
I cannot seem to do it alone
Then I want to hurt myself even more
Up, to, and including termination.
This is not about “SUICIDE”
But rather making the pain
**STOP!