I've been a mess
ever since that one night we stood next to each other
you were just so close
and all I wanted was to touch you
to remember how we used to be
and because of that night
I was truly able to reflect our relationship
it started out like a dead fire
barely burning but smoke emerged
and I was the one who fed it leaves and branches
and you were the one who told me it wouldn't work
sometimes you would help it grow
and I thought finally
you were giving it a chance
but as soon as the rain came
or winds raked through the trees
you would flee into the tent
and I would stay by the fire
hoping it would last the night
but one morning I woke up
dirt on my face
twigs in my hair
and I saw that the flame had finally died
and for a while
I sat poking at the ashes
hoping it would come forth
but you noticed it was gone too
and you just sat next to me
reminding me that it wasn't coming back
and when I left it was almost laughable you were surprised
so when I think back to that night we stood next to each other
and how much it affected me
it only furthered my resolve
so when i see you now
and see how you have improved as a person
I can feel my heart ache
for the love I should have received
but now I only give a small sad smile

I can't ever go back to you
to feeling like a shell of a person
a person that felt that
she should have been better at loving
and devoting her entire being to someone
who didn't deserve it