I used to say
That it didn't really strike me
As unusual or odd in any way
When people would look at me askance
Without a second thought or glance
As too what I was doing with you
Walking around with the sky blue
And the weather hot as a desert
And us bundled like in a blizzard,
But the truth I've always kept hidden
Was that I know what was flippant
For you was actually a great trial to me.

I used to say
That the tremors and shakes
My hand gets when I talk to strangers
On the bus, train, taxi, or airplane
Were just due to the excess caffeine
I had consumed to keep me alert and breathing,
But the fact of the matter I never shared
Was that I was more than a little scared
Of being near, interacting with, relating to
People.

I used to say
I was okay...

I think you get my point
Without me having to spell it out,
Or do I have use the words
I'm not accustomed to?
The words I've refused to say
For going on two decades
Because I determined that nobody cared
Enough to listen to my voice
Unless I was pretending to be great
Like everyone else,
But that's just a masquerade--
One that I'm tired of dancing in now.

I used to say
I was okay.
But the truth is I'm not.
And I need some help.