Sometimes, I think
I could have been that girl
At first I thought I could have been the popular, pretty, pretentious
…                                                    ­        
I could be the centre
I walk past you and you could envy me;
I’m the one on the corner – the grey mouse

But as a grey mouse,
I think my perspectives have changed
I think I can see the faint contours of truth
Now

I was always an unusual girl
Given the circumstances;
I should have broken down
Long, long ago
If I had believed in fate -
My aspiration date was due
long, long ago

And I
could have been

I could have been the girl who stormed out of the classroom, crying
I could have been the girl aching every day; every minute
But my sickness had holidays
I could have been the girl crying herself to sleep, every night
I could have been the girl making red art on her arms
I could have been the thin girl
I could have been the girl crunched over the toilet-seat

I could be the saddest face you have ever seen
But hope is my great illusion and my illusions
are sometimes better than life

So, I created another world for myself
to live in
So, I sold my soul for this
So, I gave up everything
But I lost nothing

When the sun sets
I’m still here

When the sun goes up,
I’m still here

An apple is still an apple,
even if it’s
eaten up;
Even if it’s rotten

A human is still a human being
with one less limb
But now the human is less of a human
You see,
there’s a scale
you can’t see
Step on the scale
Step off

I’m still me –
Even now
One less dream
One more forged smile

Sometimes, I think I could have been so much more
I think I could have been whole
Maybe
If I was allowed to break down and cry
If I was allowed
to be
honest

To be that girl, a little while
Maybe I too -
Could be saved
?

**25.06.14