it wasn't the way you held me in your arms
it was the way you put your hands around my neck
and pushed me to the ground.

it wasn't how you complimented me
it was how you lied, saying things like 'you'll change.'
and say unnecessarily mean remarks.

it wasn't the way you looked at me
it was the way you sat and watched me wail, sob in pain
and my body shut down multiple times from all of it.

it wasn't the way you cared
it was the way you would never choose my life
over what you want.

it wasn't the way you took care of me while I was sick,
it was the way you did nothing, slammed the trunk of your car
on my head and played video games without an apology.

it wasn't the way you adored me
it was the way you look and comment on my body
more than you look at me and my soul.

it wasn't how all you want is for me to be happy
it was the way you pretended to change
and go back to the same cycle for the millionth time.

it wasn't the way you apologized to me
it was the way you say it with no meaning
or feeling of remorse.

it wasn't the way you paid attention to me in awe
it was the way you never listen or get excited to
hear my stories, but you like to forget what's important to me.

it wasn't the way you loved me
it was the way you enjoy watching me hate myself
more and more.