i curled up in a ball today, watching the sky shift through different shades of gray. i didn’t think much of anything. i lit an apple candle. i made apple muffins. i listened to random playlists on spotify.

and at the same time, today, i thought of everything. today was shannon, and how the warmth reminded me of her office, how it felt good to hear her compliments all to myself. they were mine.

i crushed my apples and brown sugar together. thinking of the world i once got to be close to but they are gone, and i see the butter crumble out of my hands. you deserve better. you deserve better. you deserve better.

letting myself close my eyes, feeling the pulse in my head cutting like the knife in my hand, and how i ache to cut the past from my life. nothing but the blood pouring out of my head, where i can finally run, run, run.