You know, I started smoking because of you.

The availability of the cigarettes you had on hand when I saw you
To be fair, when I was with you, you’d try your best to not smoke as I’d get dizzy
But somehow I always gave in
I asked for one while knowing this

You’re just an analogy to cigarettes
I know how bad you are for me
Yet when I see you I can’t but help to dive in again
Do it over and over again because as good as it feels it is so unhealthy for me

I do it over and over again and I know it’s unhealthy but it just feels so good

It’s toxic through and through
The smoke etched on my lungs
And I drown in you

Now every time I’m offered a cigarette I can’t help but think of you
I smoke them knowing they’re bad for me
But somehow it gives me a connection to you
Somehow smoking one makes me miss you
It makes me feel you again

And I hate it
Oh how I hate it
I know how bad it is for me — how toxic it is
But somehow I can’t stop

You’re just as bad for me as the cigarettes you once looked at me shocked by me asking for some

Smoke fills my lungs and you fill my heart

But as you keep coming back
As I will keep getting cigarette after cigarette
This feeling of self destruction is unfortunately never ending

And truly, how does one find a conclusion to something everlasting?

This pattern is circular. I stop and when I see you it starts again. I probably won’t ever cut you off. This pattern of self destruction will consume me, just as cigarettes take their victim

(12/24/22; 12:45 am)