I don't know how to admit to myself that I miss you.
Or that I still love you.
Or that I hate you.

Every time you come to mind, I find something to distract myself
Something to sober my mind
Keep my hands busy
And my thoughts from running rampant

I've reclaimed my life now
And things are going to be better, yes

But I can't help but think about it
Replay it in my brain like an old VHS tape
Study it all, moment for moment

So I'll stay in my shell
And I'll feel my thoughts and feelings in private
And I'll wear my smile and tell myself
And everyone else
That it doesn't hurt
That I'm fine
That I know it's for the best
That I'm doing better without her

But the minute I close that bedroom door
And I steal a couple of minutes for myself
It all begins to crumble.

I think about when it's gonna end a lot these days
Only most of the time I don't know what "it" is
Life
These thoughts
These feelings
This cursed heart on my open and welcoming sleeve has to stop it's drum beat eventually, right?
And once it does I'll be safe. I'll be free.
And I know carving this Great source of power from my body will leave me weak

But I'd rather be weak than be vulnerable