tomorrow is my mother's birthday
and i can't remember the last time
we spoke about much more
than what i'm doing for a living
or how the weather has been
or when i'm quitting smoking
or collecting tattoos on body
or getting a real job
so it doesn't seem appropriate to call
and wish her a happy birthday
when i haven't been in her life
as she hasn't in mine
her contact name has been
KATHLEEN
ever since i was eighteen
our distance isn't anything new
but it feels heavier this time around
that weight is getting harder to carry
life is getting so weird
and i hate to disappoint her
but i have been disappointing myself
for far too long
living in the shadows of those
claiming to be
wiser
smarter
luckier
successful
stability is not a desk job
finding myself does not include
her telling me to sit down
i refuse to stay still
honesty is not easy
living is not easy
happiness is not easy
love is not easy
i can't continue
being torn apart
by her judgment
overstepping boundaries
letting her break my heart
is not a good birthday gift
so maybe i'll call her
but i probably won't