May 2020
I am from unrequited love
The kind of love that breaks hearts and shatters souls
I am from depression and anxiety
From anxiety attacks and depressive episodes lasting months at a time
To the suffocation of not being able to cry because you’re being told you’re dramatic
I am from self hatred, lack of self confidence and bullying
The aftermath of a divorce, the remnants of past lovers and dust of old memories
I am from the box of photos in the attic you dare not touch of a love you both regret and appreciate
The emotion wrenching violin crescendos you hear in a sad movie to the soft, high tones of a piano
I am from autumn leaves, hot cocoa and corn stalks in a field
From the color blue, which symbolizes both tranquility and sadness
The double standards of siblings and the constant need of perfection
I am from trauma and an array of abuse
From being screamed at for every little thing to feeling neglected
The perfectionistic habits I formed were far out of my control
The one thing I wanted became so far from my thoughts
I am from three brothers and crazy household
From playing in the yard to planting gardens
To playing nurse on everyone’s injuries
From the trumpet vines that weaved their way in and out of the fence in the back so artistically
I am from wearing makeup to hide my insecurities to covering up my body
Wearing loose clothes so no one saw my figure
From staring in my mirror and pointing every single imperfection out for hours on end before a shower
To ignoring the mirror because I knew what was there and I was tired of seeing no change
I am from culture shock
From a small town to a larger one, a practical city
What seemed normal to others was like New York City to me
I am from both daddy issues and mommy issues
From the lack of a mother to the practical absence of a father
From bottle clinks to aluminum cans everywhere
The scent of cheap beer, liquor and cigarettes
I am from being suffocated by society’s standards of women
From picking and choosing what to believe in
To being in constant fear of culturally appropriating when all I wanted to do was appreciate it
I am from being told to lose weight to a compulsive eating habit
Eating like I wouldn’t eat again since I was constantly hungry
Hunger and I became close friends in an eerie manner
I am from “you look good slim” to crying when I saw my weight on the scale
From googling how to fast and drinking nothing but water all day long
To becoming weak and shaky from my inconsistent eating habits
Battling myself for being both a foodie but wanting to lose weight so I could be seen as pretty
Being underappreciated by men since I didn’t receive attention from my father
I am from alcoholism
Borne from trying to salvage an already toxic marriage
Things being thrown, holes in the wall and screaming
Slurring became my second language even though I hated to admit it
From seeing my life flash in front of my eyes to having hands wrapped around my neck
Being hit made me fear hands and affection for many years
I am from fearing the slight change in someone’s tone of voice, tone of a message and someone becoming angry at any second
From volatile environment to lack of stability
Red and blue lights flashing in my windowpane to watching the rain fall down the glass
I am from manipulation and being told everything is my fault
One of the reasons I apologize so much
From wanting to commit suicide but never following through due to the fear of breaking people apart and passing on my sadness to others
The bleak interior of a mental hospital as a fourth grader to clutching a stuffed animal with all my might
From being told I’ll never amount to anything, i’ll become a teen mom and how dumb I am
To graduating high school with a 3.7 GPA and no children on my hip
Childhood curiosities led to a blooming art passion
The one thing that helped me from everything
I am from using art as a coping mechanism
Painting every paint stroke with every emotion
Molding clay, concentrating solely on that
Plasma cutting a heart out of an oil barrel
To sketching my emotions how I envisioned them internally
I am from bad memories fading in the wind like dandelion seeds
The wishes of pain going away to seeking love
I am from many lessons in life
From becoming true to myself to learning that not everyone is a true friends
That friends don’t always stay in your life forever even if you want them to
Promises aren’t meant to be broken
From learning my worth is not in pleasing men sexually
I am from seeking attention in the wrong places
Forming a drug habit to help me feel happy
Not everyone will be your fan to people will hate you when you’re doing good
Drinking my troubles away and sleeping all day long
Hiding in my bed all day and barely eating
I am from heartbreak
From not taking a shower for weeks on end, not taking care of myself and just staring into my phone screen
Hiding my emotions with an “i’m fine” to barely anyone noticing me breaking
Quivering vocal cords as I confess my sadness to someone, breaking down
I witness myself crumpling into a ball on the floor, screaming for the thoughts to stop
I am from college books to fixing cars
From trying my best and realizing it wasn’t for me
I am from seeking the approval of others, no matter how much it broke me
From seeing I was a broken piece of pottery
Thinking I was unfixable and the damage was beyond human fathomability
But what I am from made me into who I am
I am a beautiful Kintsugi ceramic piece
My cracks shine with gold
Making something broken into something beautiful
The kind of love that breaks hearts and shatters souls
I am from depression and anxiety
From anxiety attacks and depressive episodes lasting months at a time
To the suffocation of not being able to cry because you’re being told you’re dramatic
I am from self hatred, lack of self confidence and bullying
The aftermath of a divorce, the remnants of past lovers and dust of old memories
I am from the box of photos in the attic you dare not touch of a love you both regret and appreciate
The emotion wrenching violin crescendos you hear in a sad movie to the soft, high tones of a piano
I am from autumn leaves, hot cocoa and corn stalks in a field
From the color blue, which symbolizes both tranquility and sadness
The double standards of siblings and the constant need of perfection
I am from trauma and an array of abuse
From being screamed at for every little thing to feeling neglected
The perfectionistic habits I formed were far out of my control
The one thing I wanted became so far from my thoughts
I am from three brothers and crazy household
From playing in the yard to planting gardens
To playing nurse on everyone’s injuries
From the trumpet vines that weaved their way in and out of the fence in the back so artistically
I am from wearing makeup to hide my insecurities to covering up my body
Wearing loose clothes so no one saw my figure
From staring in my mirror and pointing every single imperfection out for hours on end before a shower
To ignoring the mirror because I knew what was there and I was tired of seeing no change
I am from culture shock
From a small town to a larger one, a practical city
What seemed normal to others was like New York City to me
I am from both daddy issues and mommy issues
From the lack of a mother to the practical absence of a father
From bottle clinks to aluminum cans everywhere
The scent of cheap beer, liquor and cigarettes
I am from being suffocated by society’s standards of women
From picking and choosing what to believe in
To being in constant fear of culturally appropriating when all I wanted to do was appreciate it
I am from being told to lose weight to a compulsive eating habit
Eating like I wouldn’t eat again since I was constantly hungry
Hunger and I became close friends in an eerie manner
I am from “you look good slim” to crying when I saw my weight on the scale
From googling how to fast and drinking nothing but water all day long
To becoming weak and shaky from my inconsistent eating habits
Battling myself for being both a foodie but wanting to lose weight so I could be seen as pretty
Being underappreciated by men since I didn’t receive attention from my father
I am from alcoholism
Borne from trying to salvage an already toxic marriage
Things being thrown, holes in the wall and screaming
Slurring became my second language even though I hated to admit it
From seeing my life flash in front of my eyes to having hands wrapped around my neck
Being hit made me fear hands and affection for many years
I am from fearing the slight change in someone’s tone of voice, tone of a message and someone becoming angry at any second
From volatile environment to lack of stability
Red and blue lights flashing in my windowpane to watching the rain fall down the glass
I am from manipulation and being told everything is my fault
One of the reasons I apologize so much
From wanting to commit suicide but never following through due to the fear of breaking people apart and passing on my sadness to others
The bleak interior of a mental hospital as a fourth grader to clutching a stuffed animal with all my might
From being told I’ll never amount to anything, i’ll become a teen mom and how dumb I am
To graduating high school with a 3.7 GPA and no children on my hip
Childhood curiosities led to a blooming art passion
The one thing that helped me from everything
I am from using art as a coping mechanism
Painting every paint stroke with every emotion
Molding clay, concentrating solely on that
Plasma cutting a heart out of an oil barrel
To sketching my emotions how I envisioned them internally
I am from bad memories fading in the wind like dandelion seeds
The wishes of pain going away to seeking love
I am from many lessons in life
From becoming true to myself to learning that not everyone is a true friends
That friends don’t always stay in your life forever even if you want them to
Promises aren’t meant to be broken
From learning my worth is not in pleasing men sexually
I am from seeking attention in the wrong places
Forming a drug habit to help me feel happy
Not everyone will be your fan to people will hate you when you’re doing good
Drinking my troubles away and sleeping all day long
Hiding in my bed all day and barely eating
I am from heartbreak
From not taking a shower for weeks on end, not taking care of myself and just staring into my phone screen
Hiding my emotions with an “i’m fine” to barely anyone noticing me breaking
Quivering vocal cords as I confess my sadness to someone, breaking down
I witness myself crumpling into a ball on the floor, screaming for the thoughts to stop
I am from college books to fixing cars
From trying my best and realizing it wasn’t for me
I am from seeking the approval of others, no matter how much it broke me
From seeing I was a broken piece of pottery
Thinking I was unfixable and the damage was beyond human fathomability
But what I am from made me into who I am
I am a beautiful Kintsugi ceramic piece
My cracks shine with gold
Making something broken into something beautiful
