sixteen years old
experiencing things i didn’t know i remembered
like arguing and calls to police
hushed whispers and calling whoever you can
not for them to help
just to get some advice
you don’t want to be a burden
and finding things you didn’t know you wanted until you got them
falling
hard
for a girl you know shouldn’t belong to you
and thinking for the first time
that she is worth a broken heart
that you’ve had this chance before but never have you wanted it
she’s worth more than you think she understands
she makes you slow down in a way most people can’t
and i’ve got trust issues like anyone else
but there’s that captivating feeling in her
that made me trust blindly
from one spur of the moment conversation
you don’t understand
i’ve written poetry about my unrequited lovers before
never have i understood the way the reciprocation would make me feel
i’m stumbling in what this is
inexperienced
she’s pretending to stumble with me because she thinks i’m worth it
i’ve never felt more worth it
but she’s no klutz
she’s a catch
in a simple sense of perfection
i told her once that she was good
in the simplest sense of the word
that she was the idea of it, the concept of all things encompassing positivity
she lets me say things like this to her
and understands the power behind the words “thank you” when you don’t know what else to say
that it speaks volumes when you’re speechless
in a way that i don’t
i have this difficulty keeping my mouth shut
thinking before i speak
she has this way of making me think
usually on my feet
that she’s had from the moment i met her
long before i could predict that i would fall for her
long before i would be oblivious to her doing the same
i realized
this is going to end badly
i realized
one of us is going to come out of this very, very beaten down
and she has her way of making me think
i thought
and i concluded
if we must i hope that it’s me
because from the moment i met her
i knew we could bounce off of each other
in unspoken words and hand squeezes
from the first conversation we had i knew
this is someone you trust with your favorite book as soon as you meet them
this is someone who writes in it like you have
in a black pen
and as you’re reading it back
you realize you are falling for her in this unfamiliar way
that you want to hang on to every word she says
that you want her to know how much you don’t know how to put into words
you want her to know that you still remember what she was wearing the day you first met
and you thought “oh. she’s cute.”
and when you tell her this
you’ll laugh when she tells you she thought the same thing as you
that she knew this was inevitable
i know there’s a lot inevitable about it
but i hope i’m the one who ends up hurt
because this is selfish
and this is not fair to her
and despite that
i never want to see her broken
especially not in pieces that i don’t know how to fix
for now
i can try to put aside this idea of oblivion
and live in
live on
experiencing things with her i never knew i wanted to
and always, always wanting to make her laugh
showing her songs that look like her voice
the synesthesia makes it hard to convey
but it’s like paints on a black canvas
mostly this beautiful blue
with purple undertones
like their own variety of northern lights
when she laughs
this shot of neon green shoots through it
i don’t write poetry often anymore
but she’s worth another attempt at it
she’s worth everything i never knew i had
and i’m not in love with her yet
but i’m getting there
she sleeps in later than i do in the mornings
i’ll never show her this
but i’ll try to have something for her to wake up to
whether it’s a meme or a song or anything else
i must emphasize
she’s worth the time put into selecting it