you now that gut-wrenching, soul leaving your body, existence being shattered type of pain?
the pain that keeps you up at night no matter how fully and totally exhausted you are?
when you're body is just screaming for some rest.
rest that it hasn't gotten in 4 years.
because you can not shut off your mind
so you start drinking and smoking, thinking it will make it better.
but nothing makes it better.
in fact, everything you try seems to only make it worse.
and you just want to be done.
you think that the only way you can possibly find rest is in death.
you think about dying all the time.
your therapist makes you fill out a form every time you see her.
the question that always gets you is "What is your risk of suicide?"
I always put low, but if i'm being honest, it is high.
I should be in an institution because everyday i think "taking all my pills wouldn't be that bad"
every day i just want to collapse and cry until i don't wake up.
you know that crying in movies?
the seemingly overdramatic crying where the girl is sitting in her car and screaming?
that. that is what it feels like in my head all the time.
i struggle to cry because if someone hears me, i'm afraid they would call the cops
it is the kind of screaming you were hear when someone's heart is ripped from their chest
the screaming of someone so broken that it is the only thing that can make them feel again