Feb 2020
When asked to write about how I feel,
I was honestly terrified of writing it,
So I told myself that what I was afraid to write
Was exactly what needed to be written.
2. Sometimes, I forget to smile when I’m “supposed to;”
I suppose that’s my apathetic facade trying to cover up
My social anxiety like a security blanket.
3. I let those that I care about walk over me like I’m the red carpet,
Their high heels digging into my soul, gouging my eyes,
And breaking my bones, but I still manage to say, “It’s okay,”
Even with my shattered jawbones.
4. This world makes me feel crazy, but there are a few people
That make me feel complete, make me feel like the girl I was
Long before I understood the grievances
That life sends in our directions.
5. I’ve decided to try to forgive when others dig their daggers
Deep into my spine, but to never forget what they did to me,
As if I ever could.
6. Anxiety is the ocean I often find myself drowning in,
And I usually only really find two hands extended
In my desperate attempt to find air— One being human,
The one to keep my thoughts at bay and my heart secure,
And the other being a monster,
The very thoughts that drown me.
7. My mind is the very monster that I fear deep down in my core,
The serpent that poisons my sacred garden,
That haunting voice whispering for me to reach for the stars,
And to chase after my dreams,
Just to turn around and clip my tattered wings.
8. Even now, I’m shaking in my socks, and my semi-colon tattooed heart
Is beating against every rib in my body
In a game of pinball that I don’t remembering paying to play.
9. Sometimes, I worry that I’ll never stop this worrying.
Everywhere I look, there’s heartbreak and fear,
But even if my heart breaks into a million irreparable pieces,
I’ll collect the dust of my remnants and turn it into something
Even more beautiful than it once was.
10. It takes so much more time to heal than it does to break,
But I have faith in the idea that if you cut down a tree and leave it be,
Eventually, it will spring forth once more,
With sunlight, support, and just a little bit of courage.
I was honestly terrified of writing it,
So I told myself that what I was afraid to write
Was exactly what needed to be written.
2. Sometimes, I forget to smile when I’m “supposed to;”
I suppose that’s my apathetic facade trying to cover up
My social anxiety like a security blanket.
3. I let those that I care about walk over me like I’m the red carpet,
Their high heels digging into my soul, gouging my eyes,
And breaking my bones, but I still manage to say, “It’s okay,”
Even with my shattered jawbones.
4. This world makes me feel crazy, but there are a few people
That make me feel complete, make me feel like the girl I was
Long before I understood the grievances
That life sends in our directions.
5. I’ve decided to try to forgive when others dig their daggers
Deep into my spine, but to never forget what they did to me,
As if I ever could.
6. Anxiety is the ocean I often find myself drowning in,
And I usually only really find two hands extended
In my desperate attempt to find air— One being human,
The one to keep my thoughts at bay and my heart secure,
And the other being a monster,
The very thoughts that drown me.
7. My mind is the very monster that I fear deep down in my core,
The serpent that poisons my sacred garden,
That haunting voice whispering for me to reach for the stars,
And to chase after my dreams,
Just to turn around and clip my tattered wings.
8. Even now, I’m shaking in my socks, and my semi-colon tattooed heart
Is beating against every rib in my body
In a game of pinball that I don’t remembering paying to play.
9. Sometimes, I worry that I’ll never stop this worrying.
Everywhere I look, there’s heartbreak and fear,
But even if my heart breaks into a million irreparable pieces,
I’ll collect the dust of my remnants and turn it into something
Even more beautiful than it once was.
10. It takes so much more time to heal than it does to break,
But I have faith in the idea that if you cut down a tree and leave it be,
Eventually, it will spring forth once more,
With sunlight, support, and just a little bit of courage.
