I never said the words
“I tried to **** myself”
To my sister.

We prefer to use things like
“I went through a hard time.”
And occasionally I’ll flippantly say
“I tried to off myself.”

“Suicide”
Is a word
That I’m afraid to utter
For fear
Of upsetting the balance.

She never asked,
I think she thought
That made it easier for me.
But I was found
On a kitchen floor
Passed out,
Covered in my own
*****.
And she never asked
What happened that night.

It hurts the people who love you
When you try to die.
It hurts them so much they can’t talk about it.

I need to.

I need to be able to say
That I tried to do that to myself.

That I was in so much pain
I started to self destruct.

I need to say it out loud
Because I need someone to care
That I did it.

At the dinner table,
We talk about how everyone’s day was,
And I usually say too much
Or get too intense,
And I don’t realize until I’m hushed.

We talk about scarves,
And discount shampoo,
And boys,
And the kids,
And church.

But I don’t really have friends anymore,
I wish you knew that you were just about it.
I wait for you to get home
With your family dog,
We share the same lonely eagerness.

But I’m extra.
I shouldn’t be here.
It’ll be better when I’m gone.

If we all never talk about it,
I guess it’s like it never really happened.