i cut myself open to find new wounds,
to touch old scars that time "healed".

now i can't stop thinking of everything they all said;
"you have no friends because you're fat.
you're the reason you're always alone.
so scared all the time, of course no one wants to be around you,
you gained fat.
you're fat.
what are you wearing?
i don't love you anymore, maybe someone else will.
you don't get to leave.
you don't get to decide when this is over.
i wish i could just leave you here alone.
i don't want to look at you.
this is all your fault.".

all my fault.
it was my fault i was overweight, then underweight, then "just right".
you never saw those showers where i'd be hunched over,
mouth in a cup.

all my fault.
you made me believe i said the wrong things when i told you made me sad.
you left me when i told you you made me sad.

all my fault.
i wanted to leave you and you told me i couldn't.
i wanted to be free from you.

i want to sew myself back up and forget again.