there’s a loop
a loop of anger, despair, and nothing. numbness.
feeling numb is probably the best part, though feeling nothing gets lonely.
aching to feel something, anything.
the anything usually then turns into despair, and feeling so desperate makes me sick.
i’m tired of this endless cycle of agony, the static of feeling nothing, the ache of despair, the fire of rage.
i don’t know how to break out of it — how to break out of this hell.
i feel as if I’m drowning and the only thing i can do is hope i’ll float, no matter how fast i keep sinking to the bottom. staring up at the water blurred sky, stars blinking out and the moon becoming invisible as i begin to lose the breath i had been holding in.
the burning in my lungs soothe as water fills them, though the panic setting in makes my limbs thrash as i desperately heave for oxygen, getting nothing more than the cold liquid.
then it goes dark.
that part, is what i’m waiting for now. after the final panic.
the release.
i just want to be free.
why can’t i be free?