Mar 2019
Sometimes, I forget that life is fleeting, 'everything you are, gone in a moment, like breathe on mirror'.
¤
I have experienced what dying feels like, and it's calm. I was in pain when I tried to **** myself, I was terrified, but once I was lying on that table not knowing if I'd wake up, with the mask on my face being told to count to 100, I wasn't afraid anymore. I was either going to live (with a possibly amputated left arm), or die. Somehow, I was at peace.
¤
Then I woke up, and realized that I was alive, hearing my breathe and the sound of my beating heart. It was the first time in a long time that I actually knew I was ALIVE! I was happy. The hospital food was actually not that bad, and I actually slept (probably cause of the medications), I felt great being taken care of and feeling, loved.
¤
Then reality set in like a bad hangover.
¤
I remembered all the abuse and loneliness I felt for my 20 years of life. I remembered why I did what I did, and I could feel it all at once. I dreaded going back home, back to my reality. I was afraid that if I told people what happened, no one would care or show me that they did.... and, sadly, I was right. No body cared, or showed it.
¤
Five months later the following September (2014), I met my boyfriend/husband at a café under a school church. We became friends immediately and we started dating and living together the month after. He was the only person that cared about me and showed it when I told him about my scars or my life's story. We've never been apart ever since and he's my one and only. He reminds me everyday to live my life because it's worth living.
¤
I'm extremely grateful to have him in my life and I appreciate the love he never stops giving me, even though I struggle with mental illness. I've met some amazing people and my bestfriend because of him. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life because of him and my friends. I never believed when people would say that life gets better, but to my surprise it does and I dont want to take my life for granted, I want to live my life to its fullest potential, and I will.
¤
"Memento mors et carpe diem."
¤
I have experienced what dying feels like, and it's calm. I was in pain when I tried to **** myself, I was terrified, but once I was lying on that table not knowing if I'd wake up, with the mask on my face being told to count to 100, I wasn't afraid anymore. I was either going to live (with a possibly amputated left arm), or die. Somehow, I was at peace.
¤
Then I woke up, and realized that I was alive, hearing my breathe and the sound of my beating heart. It was the first time in a long time that I actually knew I was ALIVE! I was happy. The hospital food was actually not that bad, and I actually slept (probably cause of the medications), I felt great being taken care of and feeling, loved.
¤
Then reality set in like a bad hangover.
¤
I remembered all the abuse and loneliness I felt for my 20 years of life. I remembered why I did what I did, and I could feel it all at once. I dreaded going back home, back to my reality. I was afraid that if I told people what happened, no one would care or show me that they did.... and, sadly, I was right. No body cared, or showed it.
¤
Five months later the following September (2014), I met my boyfriend/husband at a café under a school church. We became friends immediately and we started dating and living together the month after. He was the only person that cared about me and showed it when I told him about my scars or my life's story. We've never been apart ever since and he's my one and only. He reminds me everyday to live my life because it's worth living.
¤
I'm extremely grateful to have him in my life and I appreciate the love he never stops giving me, even though I struggle with mental illness. I've met some amazing people and my bestfriend because of him. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life because of him and my friends. I never believed when people would say that life gets better, but to my surprise it does and I dont want to take my life for granted, I want to live my life to its fullest potential, and I will.
¤
"Memento mors et carpe diem."
Some words that talk about my experience with my depression, attempted suicide, and my recovery afterwards.
