Dec 2018
I wasn't born to be loved by anyone but myself. There's no soulmate waiting for the day we run into each other at a coffee shop. I'm not going to spend my life with anyone besides myself. The woman who brought me into this world didnt truly love me and neither has anyone else. Every love I've had has been built on lies and hurt, I spent 6 years loving a girl who everytime she decided she was lonely enough to love me back promised me a future and talked about weddings but the second someone else walked by those dreams went up in smoke. I have spent years giving my all to friends who weren't there when I drowned in the cold abyss of the dark nights. Me finding love isnt going to change the world. Falling asleep in someone's arms isnt going to make this a better place when we wake.
When the tarot reader told me I'd never find conventional love I thought that meant that when the stars erupted and created the atoms that build my heart that those same atoms spread to create the hearts of others. That I was supposed to love everyone around me. I realize now that that's not the case. That I cant hand pieces of my heart at anyone who will take it or else I'll just end up empty time and time again. I thought I could build my heart with pieces of love from those I loved and it worked for a while, but what do you do when they take those pieces back? What am I supposed to do when slowly my makeshift heart gets taken back piece by piece, when with every piece that's taken the emptiness in my chest grows larger until I'm left empty again? My heart is an empty gas stop change jar because everyone takes from me but so rarely do they come back and return what I once gave them.
This time was the last time though, when this boy smiled at me and filled the emptiness of my heart with his own. We spent 3 years growing a forest of love with a family of animals. He swept me off my feet and showed me a love I thought only existed in fairy tales. Then the morning after my birthday I found the messages on his phone. Found out that he was unfaithful since 3 weeks into our relationship. Our forest burned but for some reason I tried to stay and rebuild the ashes while he kept playing with matches. For another year this boy used easy words and empty promises to keep me trying but in the end my lungs were so coated with smoke from the forest fire in my heart that I couldn't keep begging him to love me and just walked away.
Now the cold tile of my bathtub soothes the burns and the tears clear my eyes. I beg strange men to hurt me in bed and I can no longer tell if the bruises they leave are self harm or self care.
When the tarot reader told me I'd never find conventional love I thought that meant that when the stars erupted and created the atoms that build my heart that those same atoms spread to create the hearts of others. That I was supposed to love everyone around me. I realize now that that's not the case. That I cant hand pieces of my heart at anyone who will take it or else I'll just end up empty time and time again. I thought I could build my heart with pieces of love from those I loved and it worked for a while, but what do you do when they take those pieces back? What am I supposed to do when slowly my makeshift heart gets taken back piece by piece, when with every piece that's taken the emptiness in my chest grows larger until I'm left empty again? My heart is an empty gas stop change jar because everyone takes from me but so rarely do they come back and return what I once gave them.
This time was the last time though, when this boy smiled at me and filled the emptiness of my heart with his own. We spent 3 years growing a forest of love with a family of animals. He swept me off my feet and showed me a love I thought only existed in fairy tales. Then the morning after my birthday I found the messages on his phone. Found out that he was unfaithful since 3 weeks into our relationship. Our forest burned but for some reason I tried to stay and rebuild the ashes while he kept playing with matches. For another year this boy used easy words and empty promises to keep me trying but in the end my lungs were so coated with smoke from the forest fire in my heart that I couldn't keep begging him to love me and just walked away.
Now the cold tile of my bathtub soothes the burns and the tears clear my eyes. I beg strange men to hurt me in bed and I can no longer tell if the bruises they leave are self harm or self care.
