the line between

consent and assault

is blurred in my memory

if i gave consent - but i was only a child - while he

was three years ahead, a senior

taking advantage of a freshman

is that considered non consensual

even though

i did not say no.

this memory has been suppressed for over two years

i don't remember many details

other than his hand pressed against me

like a hot iron that burned me if i moved,

my shaky breaths of terror he took as pleasure,

i thought it was normal

that i had to reciprocate

that i had to be okay with it.

he flirted with me the days leading up

to that night

it was seductive and it worked

i was lured into his trap

my ignorant brain didn't know any better

it was the beginning of high school

i thought it was normal

i thought i consented .

my lips had just touched another boys before

a sad excuse of a kiss,

i was inexperienced beyond belief

nowhere near ready for his hand to be on me.

i could not even say no

for his family was there to

when he sat next to me in the back seat

he automatically assumed power over me,

while i

was powerless.

i told myself to let it go

that it meant nothing and i would get over it

he was my best friends brother

i couldn't dare risk our friendship

over something

i might have

consented to.