you’ve been on my mind recently i don’t think i love you perhaps just the idea of loving someone is enough or more accurately, the idea of someone loving me i know it was never anything real when you complimented me or tried talking to me but it’s too late now, i’ve been consumed by my thoughts of you but i have become obsessed with the idea of you and it drives me to insanity yearning to know if “what if” could be definite and i know it’s so insignificant compared to the vastness of the sky and the overwhelming stresses of day to day life but i tell myself you are the most important thing life has to offer
i hate it i hate that no matter where i am or what i’m doing you find a way to seep into the crevices of my brain and make the contents in my chest quiver i hate that i feel unwanted because of you it should not be your decision to make me feel worthy yet your validation has suddenly become the purpose of the breaths i take i want nothing to do with you, but even saying that, i know it is a deadpan lie i know you aren’t interested you’re too good for and to me and my desperate soul so i will repress this hopeful, naive heart that believes in the impossible i know your love isn’t love i know your kindness isn’t as harmless as it seems yet i still think about your hands and hair over dinner and imagine gazing into your eyes when reading any book
love is meant for fools and i will not be made a fool of not by a boy with bright red hair and a bright warm smile i will not be made a fool of by a boy who’s love will never manifest deeper than my skin i had always admired from afar but it’s time to really distance myself i need to stop looking for your red head in the sea of brunettes and blondes i need to stop myself and my brain from searching for you you once were interested in me and as you break my heart as i once broke yours the balance of the universe is restored yet i don’t feel steady i don’t feel equilibrium
i want the void that consumes me i want the void to be filled, preferably by you but it wasn’t meant to be i wasn’t made for you you know you’re too good for me conversations fall flat being with you would take copious amounts of work work that won't be put in by either of us i want the relationship with all the benefits without the heartache and wet cheeks
i wonder who you love now i wonder if you still change your interest like the tides are influenced by the moon every night i wonder if the one who has gained your interest is gorgeous, with an extroverted personality i wonder if they have all the things you wanted me to have but could never develop i can’t believe you would make me weak in the knees and in the head i know you are an unhealthy habit i indulge in, but buried in my gut, i whisper prayers to a god i do not believe in i pray that your soft spoken eyes will fall upon me and that an electric current will go through your body i pray you are slowly driven to madness, the insanity that has enveloped me i will refuse your actions because i don’t really love you
i love the idea of someone loving me i love the power i have over you i do not love you i love the attention you provide i love the thought of getting what i want feeling your blood drip through my fingers as i squeeze your heart in my clenched fists you don’t realize this, but you’re a pawn in my chess game i am bedridden, sickened because you refuse to participate but that’s okay i don’t want or need you as desperately as i once thought i will let you go, and although i will miss fantasizing over the idea of you you will truly be the one who loses in the end, i have no doubt
to the boy who once showed me attention, and i got hooked.