there are days where i turn from dissonance
to a gentle hum
the kind of swift change that makes others wonder
or even fear
of what comes next
and i know it isnt any consolation,
but please
understand that i am scared, too.

i feel sometimes as half of myself has been taken
and moved somewhere foreign.
as though the part of me that can make eye contact
that can ask people to repeat themselves
that can participate in conversations
has been drained out of my being.
as though every ounce of life i had
evaporated
and won’t come back.
the way i used to roar
has been turned into a whisper
it feels like mumbling is screaming
and the lightest whispers strain my throat.

im a firm believer in playlists
and have one for any emotion ive ever felt
but the only sound i can stand
when i dont know where i am
is silence.
its been said many times before
that its difficult not to think
but ive been too dazed to tell the difference between deep in thought
or far from it.

one could assume
that if i had undergone such major changes
i must feel or think something of it
but all i really think
is that i wish you would stop asking me if im okay
or really, saying anything at all
because while i know you’re trying to speak to me
all i hear is tuning notes
trying to blend together
and yet somehow leaving all melody behind.

there are days where im not sure where i am
or really
who i am
and on these days i ask this
please dont let me stay afraid
even if its easier.
i know that when im not lost to myself
im lost to nobody
my tongue is sharp
my heart is big
and my voice is strong
i know that these attributes dont blend nicely
but they blend into me.
and i beg that when im lost
please
dont love who i am when im not myself
more than who i am when i am.