This is it.
Exactly what I said.
This is where I turn and run.
I should’ve known.
You warned me.
You told me what you were.

God I’m so ******* stupid.
I put you on this pedestal that I was too afraid to climb.
I painted this picture in my mind of who you were supposed to be.
Made you what I need.
I was content.
I was safe.
You were perfect.
I’m awake.
I expected too much from you.
I set you up for failure.

I get it now.
You were right.
I was scared of hurting me.
Not you.
I lied.
Right to throw up those walls.
They wanted to

crumble

so

fast

to let you in.
Let you see this part of me so I could be free.
Now look at me.
Falling to my knees with your hands around my wrists telling me to get up.
Please.

I’m a ******* fool.
What a ignorant naive shambling corpse crawling around toward the first ray of light.
A ******* fly fumbling toward a bulb believing it was the sun.
Oh how I crashed into that glass.
What a pitiful ***** so ******* feeble frail and forceless I can’t even stand on these legs made of ash.

I’m not mad at you.
I’m mad at myself for letting myself do this
to me.
To us.
It’s my fault.
I shouldn’t have deceived you into thinking I was stronger than I was.  
You can have it all.
My empire of dirt.

It’s okay.
The loneliness.
He’s always has been there.
He is singing to me and holding me
while I fall asleep.
The song.
It’s so morose but beautiful.
He welcomes me back with open arms.
“Come here” he says.
“I’ll never let you go”

I tried to tell you.
It’s too hard to truly love someone like me.
And just as I predicted.
The numbness is taking me.
Too strong to fight back.
It’s climbing down my throat.
It’s okay.  
I’m choking.

It’s not your fault.
I did this.
Just like I said.
It’s sad though.
I just wanted a bit more time.



This all sounds really stupid.
Just another ****** attempt to articulate the feelings I have no control over.
Sorry.
This is me.
Just a walking talking damaged shell.

But It’s gonna be okay.
Because I’m still weak.
I’m still pitiful.
I still need you.
Yes.
The cycle continues.