Have you ever wanted to die?

I have
I have wanted to die for such a long time
That the wanting became a part of me
When i was young despair fell into my lungs like a liquid
And i couldn’t get rid of it
Tiny lungs filled quickly
And they couldn’t handle when my face reddened and my pulse quickened
So much so, that as i wheezed out of consciousness
I hoped and prayed to never wake up

But i always did,
And as i grew
So did my lungs

Instead of being full they were only a third of the way there
I wasn’t so suffocated but i could still feel it stir with every breath

To me the world had always been a sad place to be in
Everyone was always searching
For something bigger
Searching for something better
For more
Because having what you have was never enough
And loving what you love was never enough
Even being who you are was never enough

The sadness was engraved in me too
The sadness was a wax coating over my body
And it made it hard to move

Hard to feel
All my senses were muffled
And it left me so unsure of everything
About my feelings and how others felt about me

So that even friends were not really friends
Because relationships make people delve into each other

And how could anyone delve into me if the wax
That had once been a thin coating was now protruding limbs?

I was alone
In a planet full of people
In a life full of companions
And in a family that was kind but neglectful

One day, gruesome thoughts began
I wanted someone

Anyone

To feel the despair and the sadness
Much like i did
To make them wheeze, to make them numb

I wanted to tear them apart

Floating in in the pool that became an ocean
Of my very own psychosis
Twisted me into the very thing that was killing me
So i could prey on another
And start the cycle once again

There's a parasite in me,
That's eating away at my mind
My sanity
And my soul

I hope to end this with me before it's too late