Jan 2018
beep beep beep
i wake up today and everything seems okay.
i get myself ready and dress up for today.
i put my backpack on and begin my trip to school.
pressing my forehead against the bus' window that feels cool.
i put my earbuds in and listen to nice music as i watch the sun rise.
but... i hear a kid shouting in the back going off about someone who looked weird to him, as he begins criticizing their appearance and personality and...
...nevermind that, today is good.
today is the day where depression is not being rude.
i quickly tune them out and concentrate on the lyrics.
and before i know it, i am already out of the bus, ready to be fearless.
i open the door and enter my school.
and... there's so much noise that quickly hits me all at once, and everyone is talking over each other and i see someone running and another yelling and it's only 8:20 in the morning...
... i walk quickly to the library, where it is most quiet.
i take a deep breath and calm down my mind's riot.
today is good, and i want to take advantage of this.
i dont get these as often, so it gets really easy to miss.
i remind myself that i need to keep happy.
dont let them get to your brain's anatomy.
i hear the bell ring, that means it's time for class.
I walk out of the library and into a mass.
of... people quickly walking to their respective classrooms, the hallways are becoming congested and people are trying to run and push through and yelling and laughing and it only gets worse once the warning bell rings and...
... i found my classroom, im the first one in.
i take my seat and lift up my chin.
today is a good day, im not going to let it pass by.
i pull out my journal and let out a small sigh.
i think im handling myself pretty well, i hope it stays like this.
and... then people begin trickling into the room, one by one and then five at a time. it feels like everyone is looking at me, the girl in front of me always does like if i have something on my face. do i? i quickly check myself on my phone screen and...
... i realize what im doing and quickly put it away.
i have to stop acting like people are predators and im the prey.
i ignore my discomfort for the rest of my class' times.
i quietly do my work and im still keeping my happiness as my prime.
im doing okay, this is going great!
i hear someone talking about population rate.
wait... they're talking to me, ****, what do i say? im already stuttering and they have a surprised face. it's such an easy answer yet i make it so hard, i just need to get to the point before i talk too much and look like an idiot and provide them an example for why they should stay away from me...
... i go back to writing notes on my journal and pretend that never happened.
my hands are shaking and my forehead is dampened.
no, today is being nice to me, i need to let it be.
i know i'll feel accomplished at the end of the day, i just need to wait and see.
my stomach begins to rumble, i think im ready for some food.
i enter the cafeteria to place down my belongings, just to notice it be moved by someone rude.
and... then it hits me, the noises pick up once again and everyone is louder than ever. i mean of course they would be since it's lunch time, but do they really need to yell? i see a fight start and everyone crowds around, phones flashing, loud yelling and erratic laughing and...
...i feel horrified and quickly leave with my food tray.
im starting to panic, why isn't this feeling going away?
im supposed to be happy, ******* it, i made this my goal for today.
so why isn't this feeling going to bed to silently lay?
i lose my appetite to eat and throw it in the trash.
i feel my brain burning with fire and leaving traces of ash.
and... the noises are becoming closer and i hear everyone laughing. laughing at me, staring me down, i bring my hands up to touch my face and my cheeks are wet, im crying, i touch my chest, my heart beat is going crazy. my hands wont stop shaking. what is this? what is this feeling? i cant understand, i see so many eyes of different colors and shapes and they're all on me...
... how can i be happy when i feel everything is closing me in?
isolating myself in the walls within...
... i quickly fall back into sadness, and the cycle continues.
i can never get past this feeling here, the torture ensues.
the time goes fast when im in a panic.
it's 4 in the afternoon and my hands and ears feel like tv static.
i feel so exhausted and depressed and completely in a state of unrest.
and i know i have to get home and study for my upcoming tests.
but... i dont, i get home and lay down on my bed. i cry and cry because my feelings wont go away. im alone with my thoughts that torture my soul. i cant move, i cant enjoy the things i want to do. i have no motivation although im by myself now. but it's so hard to keep this up when im in my depressive state right now. i cant eat and my window falls into night, my eyes stay closed but my body keeps me awake with all its might. at some time, my mind finally goes to bed to lay. and i think to myself i just want nothing more but to
beep beep beep*
start another day.
i wake up today and everything seems okay.
i get myself ready and dress up for today.
i put my backpack on and begin my trip to school.
pressing my forehead against the bus' window that feels cool.
i put my earbuds in and listen to nice music as i watch the sun rise.
but... i hear a kid shouting in the back going off about someone who looked weird to him, as he begins criticizing their appearance and personality and...
...nevermind that, today is good.
today is the day where depression is not being rude.
i quickly tune them out and concentrate on the lyrics.
and before i know it, i am already out of the bus, ready to be fearless.
i open the door and enter my school.
and... there's so much noise that quickly hits me all at once, and everyone is talking over each other and i see someone running and another yelling and it's only 8:20 in the morning...
... i walk quickly to the library, where it is most quiet.
i take a deep breath and calm down my mind's riot.
today is good, and i want to take advantage of this.
i dont get these as often, so it gets really easy to miss.
i remind myself that i need to keep happy.
dont let them get to your brain's anatomy.
i hear the bell ring, that means it's time for class.
I walk out of the library and into a mass.
of... people quickly walking to their respective classrooms, the hallways are becoming congested and people are trying to run and push through and yelling and laughing and it only gets worse once the warning bell rings and...
... i found my classroom, im the first one in.
i take my seat and lift up my chin.
today is a good day, im not going to let it pass by.
i pull out my journal and let out a small sigh.
i think im handling myself pretty well, i hope it stays like this.
and... then people begin trickling into the room, one by one and then five at a time. it feels like everyone is looking at me, the girl in front of me always does like if i have something on my face. do i? i quickly check myself on my phone screen and...
... i realize what im doing and quickly put it away.
i have to stop acting like people are predators and im the prey.
i ignore my discomfort for the rest of my class' times.
i quietly do my work and im still keeping my happiness as my prime.
im doing okay, this is going great!
i hear someone talking about population rate.
wait... they're talking to me, ****, what do i say? im already stuttering and they have a surprised face. it's such an easy answer yet i make it so hard, i just need to get to the point before i talk too much and look like an idiot and provide them an example for why they should stay away from me...
... i go back to writing notes on my journal and pretend that never happened.
my hands are shaking and my forehead is dampened.
no, today is being nice to me, i need to let it be.
i know i'll feel accomplished at the end of the day, i just need to wait and see.
my stomach begins to rumble, i think im ready for some food.
i enter the cafeteria to place down my belongings, just to notice it be moved by someone rude.
and... then it hits me, the noises pick up once again and everyone is louder than ever. i mean of course they would be since it's lunch time, but do they really need to yell? i see a fight start and everyone crowds around, phones flashing, loud yelling and erratic laughing and...
...i feel horrified and quickly leave with my food tray.
im starting to panic, why isn't this feeling going away?
im supposed to be happy, ******* it, i made this my goal for today.
so why isn't this feeling going to bed to silently lay?
i lose my appetite to eat and throw it in the trash.
i feel my brain burning with fire and leaving traces of ash.
and... the noises are becoming closer and i hear everyone laughing. laughing at me, staring me down, i bring my hands up to touch my face and my cheeks are wet, im crying, i touch my chest, my heart beat is going crazy. my hands wont stop shaking. what is this? what is this feeling? i cant understand, i see so many eyes of different colors and shapes and they're all on me...
... how can i be happy when i feel everything is closing me in?
isolating myself in the walls within...
... i quickly fall back into sadness, and the cycle continues.
i can never get past this feeling here, the torture ensues.
the time goes fast when im in a panic.
it's 4 in the afternoon and my hands and ears feel like tv static.
i feel so exhausted and depressed and completely in a state of unrest.
and i know i have to get home and study for my upcoming tests.
but... i dont, i get home and lay down on my bed. i cry and cry because my feelings wont go away. im alone with my thoughts that torture my soul. i cant move, i cant enjoy the things i want to do. i have no motivation although im by myself now. but it's so hard to keep this up when im in my depressive state right now. i cant eat and my window falls into night, my eyes stay closed but my body keeps me awake with all its might. at some time, my mind finally goes to bed to lay. and i think to myself i just want nothing more but to
beep beep beep*
start another day.
struggling a lot with my social anxiety lately.
