As I am in that state of sleepy in-between-ness late at night,
I always reflect on the day’s shortcomings and negativity
whether or not I fight off those default thoughts to find light.

My mind wanders through all the events and interactions
that seem to be tainted with heavy blue;
every day carries a shadow that I that I try to get rid of
because that darkness is something I don’t want to live through.

The monster that some people have named 'anxiety'
clutches around my lungs and heart.
It chokes me, shakes me, screams with hate:
"What the hell is wrong with you!?”
It’s a disease with the goal to tear me apart.

My wish is to rip these blue lenses from my eyes
to clearly see this life for what it really is:
a miracle, a gift, a priceless thing to be treasured -
but these blue lenses have been a part of me for months
And with them, the world is a familiar sight.

But it is not in my disposition to love or appreciate
anything that is associated with myself.
And thus I find myself stuck in this viciousness
of half-conscious loathing and self-deprecation.