oh boy,
i haven't left the house other than to go to therapy
i haven't surrounded myself with people
i haven't found a hobby
i'm alone
i'm scared
i don't know if it's of myself or of what's around the corner
i'm in agony
i'm up till 3 and awake by 7
i ache
my heart longs for all that's been lost
i am my own demise
i feel like if i stay in bed then nothing bad will happen
i can let the days surpass me and not have any emotional connection with anybody
i can cry
i can bleed
i can temporarily drown myself when i shower
i can not eat
i miss everyone
i miss how things were
before the ****
before the heartbreak
before my fathers imprisonment
before me ******* up constantly and endlessly
before the divorce
before the abuse
before my innocence was ripped away
before i hated myself
before everything
but if that's all inevitable...
maybe i'm just wishing for me to have never been born
for i will never be born again or feel as if i deserved to be brought to life
i took the life of so many others away when mine came into the world
and that is something i can't change
this endless spiral of self-pity and hatred makes me seem so conceited
but in actuality i don't like myself
i don't look at myself when i pass by a mirror
i don't try anymore
because i don't know if i want life after misery or the sweet escape from it all with one
quick
slice