I was told there's a difference between embarrassment and shame, and that if embarrassment let exist without treatment, without care; it soon swells into a pestering hornet's nest. humming violently in the back of your head. It feeds off of instinctual fear and it sets your skin aflame.
I feel as if I'm being melted alive and there's no way out. I can't even find the escape route to take a moment and see outside of this issue. The fear of rejection overloads my system and all at once, memories of childhood rejection flood like a tidal wave, wracking my core.
I'll play it off as a joke, I'll get the option back, maybe, But I fear everyone will look at me differently. It's true that when I'm pushing 30, I won't cast a second glance back at this very moment. But everyone tells me to focus on there "here-and-now", and I have no choice but to wallow in the existential dread and overwhelming fear of everyone being mad at me, being disgusted by me. I want out.