I was told there's a difference
between embarrassment and shame,
and that if embarrassment let exist
without treatment, without care;
it soon swells into a pestering hornet's nest.
humming violently in the back of your head.
It feeds off of instinctual fear
and it sets your skin aflame.

I feel as if I'm being melted alive
and there's no way out.
I can't even find the escape route
to take a moment and see outside of this issue.
The fear of rejection overloads my system
and all at once, memories of childhood rejection
flood like a tidal wave,
wracking my core.

I'll play it off as a joke,
I'll get the option back, maybe,
But I fear everyone will look at me differently.
It's true that when I'm pushing 30,
I won't cast a second glance back at this very moment.
But everyone tells me to focus on there "here-and-now",
and I have no choice but to wallow in the existential dread
and overwhelming fear
of everyone being mad at me, being disgusted by me.
I want out.