To anyone I’ve worried
With my recently ****** up behavior
I’m genuinely sorry
But I cannot
and will not
Reassure you that I’m ok
When I’m not.
I do not want pity
I do not want sympathy
I just need to get my feelings out somehow
And poetry has never failed me.
With the recent cease of my last relationship
I know a lot of people dislike me now
And I get that
And it’s fine
But I’m not heartless.
The way I chose to handle the situation was bad
I could have carried out my decision in a much nicer way
But I ****** up
And I can’t change that now.
It’s my fault that she’s hurting now
And I deserve to be hurting too
Even though I was not IN love with her
She is still my best friend
And I still lost her.
With those decisions,
I also chose to stop taking my medication
Hence why I’m such a mess now
And it makes it worse that
I know I could feel “better” with more pills
But that’ll just hide the symptoms
Even medicated, I still want to die.

My therapist says no one wants to DIE, per say,
We just want to not live in pain.

I do not know the origins from where my pain grows
I’ve been clinically depressed since 7th grade
It seems as though I need the medication
In order to function at all
And that feels ******* awful.
I just want to be genuinely happy
One time
Without the help of these pills
And I have recently
But I don’t want to drag anyone into this hell with me.
I appreciate people reaching out
I really ******* do
But I don’t know what to tell you
Because I don’t think talking is going to solve this
Especially when I can’t find the root.
Just know that although I feel awful
Probably worse than I ever have in my life
I do not have any plans to leave here
Thoughts maybe, but I can’t say I’d ever do anything for real
But thank you for caring
It means a lot and makes my heavy heart a little lighter.

I’m sorry if I worried you.
I hope I’ll be ok someday.