I was born with a seed in my heart
It came from both of my creators
Just a piece of dust
Undetectable by any doctor
And that was ok.

At 12, strangers watered that seed
I knew I felt different than the other kids
But I didn't know about the tree
that began its adventure inside me
I didn't see it coming

Over the years,
With water and heat
The roots clutched to my insides
******* the life out of my bones
And crushing my organs to dust

The physical punishment
The emotional tolls
The years of debating whether to run or stay
Added fertilizer to keep this creature from dying

I sought love from boys
Trying to **** it with a drought of positive emotion
But they only changed the soil
Because I couldn't find the love I needed
So instead the trunk began its ascent

And then he came along
Someone who truly loved me
Someone I prayed desperately to love
But I couldn't
And he didn't love me

As a "friend" he destroyed my perception of my body
As a "lover" he destroyed the entire thing
Every instance budding new branches
That intruded my lungs
Burning a hole in my chest with every breath

Year after year
Scar after scar
What started as a seed
Sprouted into an enormous tree
Spreading throughout my entirety

The rustling of leaves in my brain
left me awake for days at a time
The roots pumping poison into my stomach
leave me physically ill without a cure
The rough bark rubbed my insides raw
and made me irritable and angry

But I could not cut it down
Or even trim it anymore
The seed lodged into my heart,
A predisposition for depression
Could not be changed
Cannot be changed
And now the disease is too deep to cease

So instead I carve into my skin
Hoping to reach the bark
Enough to make the pain more tolerable
To make some space to breathe
And the medicine that should destroy it from the inside out
Simply prolongs the process
Because it grows more every day
And one day it could **** me.