You look at me and i'm rambling
and I think to myself "cool your jets."

and I think of love in a way
with words like neat, nifty, and snazzy.
cute and short and unique and older than I am.

and sometimes I think of when I loved you first,
oh, I don't think you'll ever quite get how I loved you first and longer
than you've ever loved me.
I don't even know if you recall
the valentine I never put in your box,
or the many times I tried so hard not to cry in front of you,
but it would have been so easy.

and those years apart,
drifting in and out of being so lonesome and
being in the wrong crowd
I tried so hard to be normal,
to be like everyone else,
but you can't force yourself to love someone
especially when you hate them.
you can only fake it.

and to say I was a liar
would be an understatement.

five years of my life,
I spent faking everything
from smiles to laughs to obedience
to bravery.

and lost within my vulnerability there were friends
that I would gain
and I would lose
at their attempts at "blackmail"
and my attempts at protecting them.

and for a year, there would be people
that would use and destroy
the bits that were left of me.

and upon coming to,
I guess I really never saw
what love was.
I knew how to treat kindly,
and with love.
but I never knew it's face
towards me
until you.

and maybe I'm not the best person
to judge relationships,
but I do know when someone treats
another person wrong.
because it strikes me in all
the most painful places.

and I get uppity and brash
from time to time,
I can only hope
you understand
that it's mostly a defensive measure
against fear.

so I will sit in silence,
and bask in the warmth of your gaze,
if it were to find me
in the blue of the shadows,
and the red of my heart.