"we're going to sarah's church this sunday" you said.
"you're going to sarah's church this sunday" i said.
and you gave me that fishy look you've been giving me every saturday night for the last month "why don't you want to go to church?"
well i have my reasons tucked up with abstracted pushpin waves on bible class corkboards and poked into the corners of empty white rooms where abrasive carpet wore my feet into odd patterns
sitting on my splintered windowsill and listening to things i wasn't invited to something with singing and all i really recall was sawing off warts with a pocketknife while i listened
those early days before the roof was fixed were when the trouble started.
"because i'm not."
that's not much of an explanation but neither is the truth which by the way i didn't mention
i didn't mention the way i felt last night when i looked at year old photo effects or the hitch in my chest the last time i listened to dan's cds the way i ***** shut my eyes and try to keep breathing every time you drive by what used to be woods or someone else's welcome sign
"i like this song" you said in the car and i felt the bloodied swallow of mismarked communion wine like my first taste of hate so many years gone now surging down my closed and slit throat
tim mcgraw was wrong don't go to church because your mama says to don't go to church because anybody says to it won't get you into heaven but it might get you anxiety and a hospital bill.
(maybe i'm so critical of christians because christians were critical of me but hey that's just a random thought)
and i don't talk about how when i see the faces of strangers that i memorized between the lost references of out-of-context verses all i see are reflections of white words i typed into their irises i typed too fast.
and i was just too tired to say that large-scale screens drive me over the edge too tired to imply once more that i have turned into a college-student statistic
one who has more behind her motives than pure apathy.
so having thought all this i repeated myself "you're going to sarah's church this week" and wished you could understand my reasons.