to the first girl i loved;

it still pains me to refer to you as that - the girl i loved first. i feel like so much pain lies in a single phrase; it's such a thing of the past yet there's something so infinite about it

there are so many things i wish i knew from the start like how a simple string of words like the first ones of this letter could hollow me out even more,

like how the pain of you leaving me was so indescribable yet so vivid and striking,

like how love can be so fulfilling yet be so incredibly, indefinitely, and intensely emptying,

like how hard it is to relearn how to sleep, and that when i do learn it, relearn the art of not dreaming about you,

however, i felt like there was something so inevitable about us that it was too obvious to ignore

there is no denying that between two lovers, there will always be one who ends up giving too much, emptying themselves to fill the other, the one who ends up loving more

i knew from the start that i was going to be the one who ended up losing my heart to a girl who wouldn't let me into hers

i'm sorry i expected, i'm sorry i gave you something you never really wanted

__

to you;

i'm sorry that i can't bring myself to reply to your letters

it's not that i'm selfish or that i'm ignoring you; i just don't want to inflict you more pain when pain was all i ever gave to you

it is true, i guess, that you loved me more but i'm sorry you're left with that mindset. i wish i could tell you that one day, you'd find your equilibrium and that i'm sorry it wasn't me.