chaser in your grip
knocked one back
knocked two
hell take 3 who’s counting anyways
“take a swig” you said
i did
that half empty bottle was a ****** metaphor for my half empty heart
or was it half full?
i knocked one back
there was sunlight in my stomach
i could feel it
“is this what love feels like” i said
“if this is what love feels like i dont ever want to hurt again” you said
i promised i would never let anything hurt you
i knocked another
chased it, but not with your room temperature store brand cola that's been sitting out on the edge of the table for god knows how long.
i chased that **** with more ***. i know i can’t stand the taste but god you said it felt like love and love was all i wanted to taste.
but is love holding your hair back at the crack of dawn while you spill your insides in the bathroom?
all you could say was “sorry.”
you didn’t need to be sorry
see i thought being drunk with you would be fun, would be interesting
it’s what made me fall in love
the drunken words, the slurred phrases i can’t clearly recall
i only hoped you’d find light in me
but i wish i could take that night back, do it differently
i wish we never got that close.
another night
another liquor run
“choose your poison”
phase II:
is love anything more than sharing skin to skin, temporary comfort, an excuse to label your feelings of affection? was it love? was it long lasting?
or did it burn out the way your cigarettes did
like how whenever you drank you’d forget you were smoking and they’d burn out.
you relit your cigarettes at least twice, i always kept count
i loved to watch the way your hand stumbled across the table reaching for the cheap green lighter that always took a couple flicks to get a flame going
we took a couple flicks to get our flame going
you smoked regulars
whenever we went for a smoke you’d always finish before me because my hundreds always took that extra minute to finish
if only we had an extra minute
do you ever hear the train? do you think of me when you hear it?
i always thought of skipping town
leaving this place with you by my side
i don’t know where i’d go but i didn’t care where i was as long as i was with you
colors fade with time
you took my favorite sweatshirt and i swear the color blue has never looked so dismal, the way the fabric encompassed your being and kept you warm when i couldn’t
i never got that sweatshirt back but i know it’s not the same shade of blue it was before,
i know it’s been worn out
just like our love was
you took my favorite sweatshirt.
well, at least it used to be my favorite.
i can still vividly remember the smell of smoke clinging to the cloth whenever i wore that sweatshirt.
did you notice that when i came to see you?
you never said anything about it
i feel like you hated when i’d get high before visiting you but god i couldn’t feel a ******* thing with you unless i was.
do you ever dream about me?
i mean, i don’t think it’s relevant but i just want to know if you do
i don’t dream of you
just thought i’d let you know.
i used to, i’ll give you that, but you aren’t in my head nearly as much as you used to be.
but you cross my mind at inconvenient times
i find you in my daily routine sometimes
i do things on my own that we used to do together and it feels like a piece of myself is missing
you took that piece with you
i always asked myself why i felt so empty
why i could never feel love
i’m not sure i ever loved you
i think you were just something holding me together and i looked up to you because of it.
i don’t know if you loved me
i saw that look in your eyes you swore it was love and as much as i want to believe it was, you never gave backing evidence, no proof, no reason to believe you weren’t just telling me what i wanted to hear.
it’s only what i wanted to hear.
you tore me apart, but i learned to hold myself together now
it’s not much but it’s a start
i hope from this point i can learn to love myself, i can learn to feel something on my own
i don’t need you
i never did need you, i just didn’t think it would’ve taken me this long to realize it.
i didn’t learn until recently that it’s better off to delete everything
get rid of the pictures, get rid of the texts
get rid of anything that might remind me of you
you can’t delete memories
but you can delete the things that keep your emotions around.
it’s a critical part of moving on, to wipe the slate, to clear my mind
expunge the negativity, eradicate the grief
getting rid of anything that held me back was something i should have done earlier.
i know now that it’s time to move the **** on.
once a man told me a piece of advice i would never forget, he said to me “son if there’s nothing left to look back on, all you can do is look forward”
and that’s the way it should be.
nothing’s left for me to look back on so, from this point forward all i will do is look forward.
even though you made me happy at one point
even though there are so many things i didn’t want to let go
so many memories i wish i could have held on to,
so many nights where i was convinced it would be you and me always,
i needed to let go.
you were a ******* anchor, ball and chain
you tied me down i couldn’t ******* stand up
cutting the ties was the best thing i ever did
and i did it for me
now i’ll find a way to love myself.
and from that love i will give myself, i will love another,
another who will not see me as you saw me,
another who holds me when i hurt
sings to me when i cannot sleep
calls me when i need a voice.
someone who actually loves me back
someone who adds meaning to the word love
four letters never meant much from you
but four letters could mean so much more from someone else.
i will learn from my mistakes
i will treat the next so much better than i did you
she will treat me so much better than you did me
but all i can say now to you is thank you.
thank you for teaching me wrong from right
thank you for showing me the difference between black and white
i don’t see my life in shades of grey anymore
without you i have gained a new vision
i can see the colors in anyone, i can see the light in the darkness
i can see the good in the bad
and with that, even with how bad you treated me, i can see there’s good still in you
i just wish you the best and i hope you learned from your mistakes and i hope you take advantage of that good still left in you.
just don’t let history repeat itself
just make sure you let go before you begin anew