It wasn't
that I went out alone
in a two day old t-shirt, greasy ponytail
got drunk at the bar
ate cold french fries while staring
at some sports game I didn’t give a **** about

It wasn't
that I thought about getting more drunk somewhere else
craved blacking out so I wouldn't have to feel at all

It wasn't
that I stumbled through my back door
into the dark quiet of my house
watched myself in the mirror swaying with red eyes
as I brushed my teeth

It was
only after I wrestled off all my clothes,
Laid in my bed and tried to sleep,
That I realized how deeply and utterly numb and empty I am.