May 2016
My thoughts are scattered in a million places. I feel my chest constrict with every single breath that I take. The constant stabbing in my heart coincides with every beat that it takes. The stabbing is consistently getting stronger and stronger as time goes on and becomes so overwhelming I feel as if i should cry out in pain.
I feel the ever present black cloud hovering over me at all hours of the day. It ***** the energy out of me. I can’t seem to tell if that black cloud is just my past, or if it is you.
When you left me standing in my drive way that cold rainy evening in April could have collapsed from the feeling in my chest and the pit in my stomach. As you drove away it was as if I was unraveling. The memories started pouring through my mind like a bright light. Flashing before my eyes like segments and scenes of a movie. The smiles danced past my eyes, and your smile seemed to be seared in my memory. Thinking of all of the time and secretes we shared. I had let you in and knew I handed you a knife, that you now lodged in my heart, and now it is threatening to rip me apart.
The only time I get relief from this is in those moments I open my eyes in the morning. For those few brief seconds I am light hearted…. for those few brief seconds I am actually okay…. but you ruined that for me because mere seconds later I feel everything crash down on me and start to crush me. The pressure is so painful that I shed silent tears and come to terms with the fact I can’t do it. My heart is more than aching and I feel my insides begin to press against my bones as they start to swell in panic. As I stare at the blankness of the ceiling I think of the vastness of the world, and the emptiness I feel in myself. I tell myself I can’t face the world… then a miracle occurs and I find something to whisper hope in my ear that I need to leave my bed and face the world.
After fighting with myself to stand and go outside. I move. I put on my mask to endure the world, and take what it throws in my face. I pretend it rolls right off of me as it leaves large ugly bruising diffusely spread across my body.
I feel the ever present black cloud hovering over me at all hours of the day. It ***** the energy out of me. I can’t seem to tell if that black cloud is just my past, or if it is you.
When you left me standing in my drive way that cold rainy evening in April could have collapsed from the feeling in my chest and the pit in my stomach. As you drove away it was as if I was unraveling. The memories started pouring through my mind like a bright light. Flashing before my eyes like segments and scenes of a movie. The smiles danced past my eyes, and your smile seemed to be seared in my memory. Thinking of all of the time and secretes we shared. I had let you in and knew I handed you a knife, that you now lodged in my heart, and now it is threatening to rip me apart.
The only time I get relief from this is in those moments I open my eyes in the morning. For those few brief seconds I am light hearted…. for those few brief seconds I am actually okay…. but you ruined that for me because mere seconds later I feel everything crash down on me and start to crush me. The pressure is so painful that I shed silent tears and come to terms with the fact I can’t do it. My heart is more than aching and I feel my insides begin to press against my bones as they start to swell in panic. As I stare at the blankness of the ceiling I think of the vastness of the world, and the emptiness I feel in myself. I tell myself I can’t face the world… then a miracle occurs and I find something to whisper hope in my ear that I need to leave my bed and face the world.
After fighting with myself to stand and go outside. I move. I put on my mask to endure the world, and take what it throws in my face. I pretend it rolls right off of me as it leaves large ugly bruising diffusely spread across my body.
