my hands smell like chemicals from developing film rolls and no matter how hard i scrub at them i can’t get you out from under my fingernails.
i had a dream about you the other night.
it was casual, fingers intertwined as we walked down twisting streets and we didn’t say anything— you just smiled at me,
that grin could heal broken bones and black eyes.
i wasn’t ever in love with you. i don’t know if you realize that. you were exciting and interesting and intoxicating, but the problem with talking to someone every single day means that at some point you’re not going to hear from them for 24 hours and that can **** you.
i don’t really miss you, not anymore, but sometimes things like dreams happen and i want to smile at you when i see you in the halls.
your hair as gotten long. it looks good on you.
i guess you just always knew how to keep things light and when everything always feels so heavy on my spine, that was a relief. you were easy to be around, until suddenly you weren’t.
i don’t think i’m ever going to forget you.
you’re going to be the first wound that ever scarred. i’m sure losing a lover is hard, but losing a friend can rip you apart. trust me, i’m an expert on it at this point, and i let all my weight rest on you to the point where when you suddenly weren’t there i couldn’t feel anything but falling.
for a long time, i romanticized my memories of you, trying to grasp onto you with rose-colored lenses that faded with age. i used to be angry at you, but the red eventually evaporated too. now i just.
see you.
you still make my hands shake and my stomach churn but mentally everything has stopped.
until i have another dream about you.