tell yourself you are fine i know you’re lying
start becoming a positive force in someone else’s life
because you know you cannot be your own.
when she calls tell her you’re the happiest you’ve ever been
she was the one holding you back,
you did not know what unhealthy relationships were until
her.
the one who told you everything she could never possibly love about you
and how you needed to change yourself
for her.
not because you needed to get better
not because you knew you weren’t happy
because she couldn’t see you sad and **** you at the same time.
because when you cried she didn’t know how to say sorry,
for the times she said your favorite poet was stupid
for the times she rolled her eyes at something you said,
for the times she ignored you for somebody else
it’s your fault remember,
if you weren’t like this everything would be fine.
because some weeks were good
you felt like everything had fallen into place,
you were happy and she loved you again,
then that week would be over,
you were sad again,
if you weren’t like this everything would be fine
but
you wouldn’t change yourself for love.
that was your problem
she was not a good enough reason to be happy,
because you saw her more as a therapist
than as your girlfriend.
and she saw you as a project,
one she could never finish.
you knew you were more than a project,
you wanted to be happy
but there was no reason to be.
not even love was enough.
but then you learned it never can be,
because if another person is the only reason you want to be able
to breathe in the summer air,
laugh until your lungs hurt,
and cry happy tears,
you want to get better for the wrong reasons.