Where do I start
At the place I fell apart
Amidst a blizzard harboring a frozen heart
Pelted down by rigid rules
And sharp shards of thought
In that stark place, I wished on empty air
That true love would find me,
That just someone would care.

The snow melted
And jolly yellow daffodils emerged from the wet earth
The sun overpowered the sullen clouds of winter
And pushed the wintry season aside
So now with un-fogged eyes
I could see
Every single possibility.

I found what I thought was love
At a young and tender age
We kissed under the oak around the corner from my house
Cars whizzed by but we focused on each other's lips
And shared a cool, crisp kiss
And with starry eyes, we looked up to the sky
And blessed the God who granted us such bliss
The winter we did not think about,
The winter we did not miss,
The winter we had forgotten.

Side by side, hip by hip
Not a second ever a part
Each moment was never missed
We held on close, for fear of losing
The love that healed and warmed our hearts
But the entanglement became increasingly confusing
Less and less amusing
And we bruised each other's innocent hearts.

Tension increased, lies and manipulations through lips were released
Kissing was sparse
And arguments prevailed
Even in his presence I felt all alone again, in the hail
Internally frozen existing within our fiery hell
The closer we got the more we were jailed
By rules and restrictions
In fear, in fear of being left
But all the while,
Our fear was causing the theft
Of our love.

When it all came crumbling down
I never thought it would
It was the only thing I felt was going good
I had no one to turn to but the person I cut off
I fell into a depression
From my bed I could not get up
I existed within a cloud of smoke encircling my head
My heart strongly beat on, but I failed to notice or listen to my heart
I got into the habit of numbing
I didn't think I was fit for happiness
I thought I could attain joy if I overthought the method to attainment
But that just brought me farther away from it.

When I would ride in cars, I would unconsciously scan the streets hoping to see him
To get a peek at the life he led outside of our high school hallways
Once, while walking home, I saw him in the passenger seat of his mother's van
He looked dismal, he looked like he was anticipating happiness
Like he was trying to figure out the mathematical solution to joy
Another time, while in the car with my friend,
I saw him in the night
With his friends, donning a frumpy sweatshirt
He looked happy, he looked drunk
I pressed my face on the cold glass, straining my neck to look longer
My reflection struggled to look onto the barren winter night
That could provide me no consolation.

Today, I wonder if I ever knew him
If the depiction I created of him in my mind's eye was ever accurate
I thought he was so much like me
But when we separated, observing his behaviors, I felt like I couldn't relate to him
And the more I couldn't relate to him, the more I couldn't relate to myself
The farther we grew from each other
The more cold I grew at heart
I wanted him to care
And yet, I just wanted to live my life without his surveillance
I wanted to explore and make mistakes and have fun
Without hurting him
I think all along, that's what he wanted too.

Those cold and barren memories
Especially the harrowing and excruciatingly painful ones
Are hard to grapple with
I wonder sometimes if I have truly sustained all of that trauma
And because I have, I marvel and I am in awe
Of my tenacity and resilience...
And yet to say that the tenacity and resilience is mine sounds foreign
It couldn't have been me who pulled myself through
I feel like I was supplied with that assistance and guided
With a little help from Serendipity
My gratitude is ineffable-- I feel honored and undeserving to have pulled through my trauma
And I feel obligated to share my story with the world
To prove that there is hope, there is life, there is magic, there is love, there is healing, there is beauty, there is restoration, there is joy...
There is everything you want
Residing in your heart
Holding all the secrets to happiness and health and redemption--
Back to the path of your dreams from which you have strayed
Get off the spacious road where the masses lazily and unknowingly stroll to their graves
Awaken from your sleep walk and pursue your dreams
Because you can, and you will.
I struggle sometimes to believe that I will find love again
But in those moments,
I simply forget
That I am a bearer of love
And that I don't have to wait around for others to love me
Because I can love myself and share love with everyone else
I laugh for thinking such a silly thought
And smile, looking inwardly, at the eternal sunshine emanating from my heart.