Oct 2015
I'm trying.
Things are complicated and I have no medication nor therapy, but I'm trying.
The endless dial tones and hold music are my trickles of hope now, as I beg, I pray to the Gods I do not know that this call will be the one, this one will get me help. But each one ends with an empty "I'll call you back" and a tearful acknowledgement that they probably won't.
I want to be tolerable, I want to find myself. I am alive and I am breathing but my soul is drowning and gasping for air, suffocating under the tremendous pressure and the weight of the world.
My sanity is slipping, and the impulses are getting stronger. Its getting harder and harder to hold my marbles in my hands when my fingers are broken. I twitch and squirm and fell all my nerves ache for madness, and my rigorous order is struggling to keep my thoughts corralled.
I stare now at my empty hands and just wish to make it through the month. I don't fear dying, no, I fear ruining all the good things I have built up in the past year. I do not want to lose it. I cannot lose it.
First I wanted understanding, then control. But now, with understanding in my heart and control out of the question, all I want is to stay. I want wake up from this foggy dream of insanity and see the one I love lying beside me and a novel on my fingertips, instead of alone and numb because I pushed all that mattered away. I don't want to lose my memory of all the beauty I fell in love with in the past year. I found it and caught it and now that it has stayed I never want it to leave. I will not push it away. I cannot push it away. Not again.
They held my hand while I was crippled and alone, while the emotions were so strong I couldn't see straight, while all the people I loved faded into my memory. I don't want them to fade too. Never. I want my memory intact, I want to keep them for as long as I can.
Bipolar will always hold control over me, and I cannot control it. I realize that. But I want it to be manageable, I want to be a person, I want to feel real and together and I want to stay. I always was afraid of everyone else leaving, but then why was I the one running?
Thing are hard and they are complicated and its all pain and its all happiness. Things never will be easy, but as long as I can stay intact I can accept that. I just cannot lose me, not again, never again.
Bipolar may be here to stay, but I am too.
Things are complicated and I have no medication nor therapy, but I'm trying.
The endless dial tones and hold music are my trickles of hope now, as I beg, I pray to the Gods I do not know that this call will be the one, this one will get me help. But each one ends with an empty "I'll call you back" and a tearful acknowledgement that they probably won't.
I want to be tolerable, I want to find myself. I am alive and I am breathing but my soul is drowning and gasping for air, suffocating under the tremendous pressure and the weight of the world.
My sanity is slipping, and the impulses are getting stronger. Its getting harder and harder to hold my marbles in my hands when my fingers are broken. I twitch and squirm and fell all my nerves ache for madness, and my rigorous order is struggling to keep my thoughts corralled.
I stare now at my empty hands and just wish to make it through the month. I don't fear dying, no, I fear ruining all the good things I have built up in the past year. I do not want to lose it. I cannot lose it.
First I wanted understanding, then control. But now, with understanding in my heart and control out of the question, all I want is to stay. I want wake up from this foggy dream of insanity and see the one I love lying beside me and a novel on my fingertips, instead of alone and numb because I pushed all that mattered away. I don't want to lose my memory of all the beauty I fell in love with in the past year. I found it and caught it and now that it has stayed I never want it to leave. I will not push it away. I cannot push it away. Not again.
They held my hand while I was crippled and alone, while the emotions were so strong I couldn't see straight, while all the people I loved faded into my memory. I don't want them to fade too. Never. I want my memory intact, I want to keep them for as long as I can.
Bipolar will always hold control over me, and I cannot control it. I realize that. But I want it to be manageable, I want to be a person, I want to feel real and together and I want to stay. I always was afraid of everyone else leaving, but then why was I the one running?
Thing are hard and they are complicated and its all pain and its all happiness. Things never will be easy, but as long as I can stay intact I can accept that. I just cannot lose me, not again, never again.
Bipolar may be here to stay, but I am too.
