Haven't been here in awhile, have we?

So I know its stupid to be careless, and as a writer I should always care. Well I'm saying **** that for a night. I almost put please in that sentence, then I realized I care little what you or whoever thinks. Tonight I'm alone, and I myself will deal with that.

I hate being tired. If sleeplessness came along with no tired side effects for me, I would do it constantly. But no, absolutely ******* not, I cannot get what would be convenient for me. I'm yawning left and right but i can't seem to get tired enough to lay down and pass out. Awesome.

Even hallucinations are finding it easier to get on my mind than sleep. I mean thank god they only lasted about an hour but for Christ ******* sake's, really?  This is a highly important week of my life, getting the final strands of my summer ****-storm ******* before I let myself win d down the summer, and I get this ****? Insomnia, incessant depression/tiredness, only to go away enough to give me a few hours of peace before refusing to let me go to ******* sleep.

I don't need this.

*******, body. I'm getting up between the hours of 7-8 if you like it or not. I'm spitting in your ******* face and telling you to sit the **** down. You wanna fight me? You're getting one hell of a fun sleepless day. I am getting **** down tomorrow, including the **** you didn't let me do today. *******. May I repeat that in the clearest, loudest of tones. ****. YOU. BODY.

I refuse to let everything fall apart just as I think I've got it sorted. This is not, will not, happen to me.

Just when I think I got things going right for me, you like to **** it all up. Not only you, but the universe too. I think I've found a place I belong? I get moody and needy as **** and scare people off and push them away, and get attached to the worst *******. I **** up my grades so much I can only hope to salvage them into not failing grades. I finally seem stable and happy, got everything going right, and school ******* ends. And I think its smart to get off my meds. I am such a *******. Worse, I get blood clots in my lungs so there go all my meds and for a good month I go into deep spiraling depression that almost ends the best relationship I've ever been in ,and the only one I hope to ever have again. I start getting my ******* **** together, and at the pinnacle week where I need to finish sorting it all out, you decide to flake.

Well *******, you're not allowed to.

I'll probably hate myself for this soon, but I need to push through. I will not let you **** me in and ruin what I've been working towards. So buck up, deal with tomorrow as it comes, and stop being such a ******* *******. Thanks.