Goodbye to my first love.

I have never felt this type of pain before.
It's a new pain, a pain that eats right into your bones and makes you question your very existence. It's a pain that hurts you so badly you would do anything to escape it.
No wonder they call it heartache.
It is literal.
I can taste the salt in my mouth from my tears running down my face.
I can still remember the sound of your heartbeat when you hugged me against your chest.
It hit me at that moment that it would be the last time I can hear your heartbeat. The last time you will hold me.
You are everything I love and everything I hate. Because that's the truth - I loved you. I still do. I always will.
I will never forget the happiness you gave me. I will never forget the way your hand felt in mine. I will never forget your smile, your laugh, your voice.
But **** how I wish I could forget.
It would help me heal if I could forget.
But then my biggest fear would come true: I would lose you. And above all things, I don't want to lose you.
I hate myself for hurting you. I hate you for hurting me.
The funny thing is, I never imagined this happening. I never imagined it being so difficult. I never imagined it hurting so ******* much.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for not being the girl you wanted. I'm sorry that I ended up being a disappointment.
I miss you so much it kills me. It kills me to know I can't call you mine anymore. It kills me to know I am no longer yours.
Was I not worth the fight? Did I mean that little to you?
I feel bitter but I know in the end that what we had was special. It was something I will treasure forever.
I don't regret it. Once time has healed us both, we will be able to look back and smile.

Thank you for the memories.